Because I'm not sure about the language limits of a Teen Rated game, I'll just censor any curse words Akurei uses unless a canon character in the game uses it uncensored, then future uses of it will be uncensored.
With that out of the way...Let's Play...Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney! Episode 1: The First Turnabout...
*gasp* *gasp* Dammit! ...Why me? I can't get caught... Not like this! I-I've gotta find someone to pin this on... Someone like... him! I'll make it look like HE did it!
August 3, 9:47 AM
District Court
Defendant Lobby No. 2
Phoenix: (Boy am I nervous!)
(What's with that!?) In this game those parenthesis indicate thoughts, most likely those of the protagonist or whispers/distant noises. (If you say so...)
Mia: Wright!
Phoenix: Oh, h-hya, Chief.
Mia: Whew, I'm glad I made it on time. Well, I have to say Phoenix, I'm impressed! Not everyone takes on a murder trial right off the bat like this. It says a lot about you... and your client as well.
Phoenix: Um... thanks. Actually, it's because I owe him a favor.
(Already corrupt, I see...) (You know what that joke says, "What do you call a boat full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?") (...) *facepalm* Hint: It's the title of this post.
Mia: A favor? You mean, you knew the defendant before this case?
Phoenix: Yes. Actually, I kind of owe my current job to him.
(So it 'is' mob connections!) No, not really...
Phoenix: He's one of the reasons I became an attorney.
(Ah, so it's for revenge...) (Still, no. Although if he did know...) (Know what?) Nothing...
Mia: Well, that's news to me!
Phoenix: I want to help him out any way I can! I just... really want to help him. I owe him that much.
???: (It's over!)
(Who's this?) Even I don't remember!
???: (My life, everything, it's all over!)
(Drama Queen, much?)
Mia: ... Isn't that your client screaming over there?
(...Or should I say "Drama King"?)
Phoenix: Yeah... that's him.
???: (Death! Despair! Ohhhh! I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna die!!!)
Mia: It sounds like he wants to die...
Phoenix: Um, yeah. *sigh*
("When something smells...")
Butz: Nick!!!
("...it's usually the Butz.")
Phoenix: Hey. Hey there, Larry.
Butz: Dude, I'm so guilty!! Tell them I'm guilty!!! Gimme the death sentence! I ain't afraid to die!
That's an example of blatant lies if I ever saw one.
Phoenix: What!? What's wrong, Larry?
Butz: Oh, it's all over... I... I'm finished. Finished! I can't live in a world without her! I can't! Who... who took her away from me, Nick? Who did this!? Aww, Nick, ya gotta tell me! Who took my baby away!?
(Are you...?) No, he's talking about a significant other. (Oh...)
Phoenix: (Hmm... The person responsible for your girlfriend's death? The newspapers say it was you...)
(So...we're resorting to rainbow speak?) It is in the actual game after all.
Phoenix: My name is Phoenix Wright. Here's the story: My first case is a fairly simple one. A young woman was killed in her apartment. The guy they arrested was the unlucky sap dating her: Larry Butz... my best friend since grade school. Our school had a saying: "When something smells, it's usually the Butz." In the 23 years I've known him, it's usually been true. He has a knack for getting himself in trouble. One thing I can say though: it's usually not his fault. He just has terrible luck. But I know better than anyone, that he's a good guy at heart. That and I owe him one. Which is why I took the case... to clear his name.
(So...we're resorting to rainbow speak?) It is in the actual game after all.
Phoenix: My name is Phoenix Wright. Here's the story: My first case is a fairly simple one. A young woman was killed in her apartment. The guy they arrested was the unlucky sap dating her: Larry Butz... my best friend since grade school. Our school had a saying: "When something smells, it's usually the Butz." In the 23 years I've known him, it's usually been true. He has a knack for getting himself in trouble. One thing I can say though: it's usually not his fault. He just has terrible luck. But I know better than anyone, that he's a good guy at heart. That and I owe him one. Which is why I took the case... to clear his name.
See, no mob connections are involved! (I see...) *Shimohi's rolling on the floor laughing* (What?!) Never mind.
Phoenix: And that's just what I'm going to do!
(And this is where the fun begins...) Not in meatspace though.
August 3, 10:00 AM
District Court
Courtroom No. 2
Judge: The court is now in session for the trial of Mr. Larry Butz.
Payne: The prosecution is ready, Your Honor.
Phoenix: The, um, defense is ready, Your Honor.
Judge: Ahem. Mr. Wright? This is your first trial, is it not?
Phoenix: Y-Yes, Your Honor. I'm, um, a little nervous.
Judge: Your conduct during this trial will decide the fate of your client.
(In other words, "Don't **** up!")
Judge: Murder is a serious charge. For your client's sake, I hope you can control your nerves.
Phoenix: Thank... thank you, Your Honor.
Judge: ... Mr. Wright, given the circumstances... I think we should have a test to ascertain your readiness.
Phoenix: Yes, Your Honor.
Here come the tutorials... ([sarcasm] Yay! [/sarcasm])
Phoenix: (Gulp... Hands shaking... Eyesight... fading...)
(That's what you get for...) (No!) (But I was just going to say...) (No!) (...Party pooper...)
Judge: The test will consist of a few simple questions. Answer them clearly and concisely. Please state the name of the defendant in this case.
-Phoenix Wright-
-Larry Butz-
-Mia Fey-
Well, the answer to that one is obvious...
Phoenix: The defendant? Well, that's Larry Butz, Your Honor.
Judge: Correct. Just keep your wits about you and you'll do fine. Next question: This is a murder trial. Tell me what's the victim's name?
I'm checking the Court Record right now...
Phoenix: (Whew, I know this one! Glad I read the case report cover to cover so many times. It's... wait... Uh-oh! No... no way! I forgot! I'm drawing a total blank here!)
Mia: Phoenix! Are you absolutely SURE you're up to this? You don't even know the victim's name!?
Phoenix: Oh, the victim! O-Of course I know the victim's name!
(Liar!) (Liar!) Pants on fire! (What's worse, your pants being on fire or a rabid Tasmanian Devil in your trousers?) Both are about equally horrible.
Phoenix: I, um, just forgot. ... Temporally.
(Right...) Just check that Court Record already.
Mia: I think I feel a migraine coming on.
You and the three of us.
Mia: Look, the defendant's name is listed in the Court Record. Just touch the Court Record button to check it at anytime, okay? Remember to check it often. Do it for me, please. I'm begging you.
("Intend to...") *statches up a card with a picture of a guy with long dark purple hair* "I already have!" (Why are you playing Magic Carta in the middle of a courtroom?)
Judge: Let's hear your answer. Who is the victim in this case?
-Mia Fey-
-Cinder Block-
-Cindy Stone
Mia's our assistant, the middle one's out right, so that leaves...
Phoenix: Um... the victim's name is Cindy Stone.
Judge: Correct. Now, tell me, what was the cause of death?
Checking that record just in case..."loss of blood"..."blunt trauma"... Got it!
Judge: She died because she was...?
-Poisoned-
-Hit with a blunt object-
-Strangled-
I know the answer here...
Phoenix: She was stuck once, by a blunt object.
Judge: Correct. You've answered all my questions. I see no reason why we shouldn't proceed. You seem much more relaxed, Mr. Wright. Good for you.
Phoenix: Thank you, Your Honor. (Because I don't FEEL relaxed, that's for sure.)
(Well, that's to be expected for a n00b.)
Judge: Well, then... First, a question for the prosecution. Mr. Payne?
Payne: Yes, Your Honor?
Judge: As Mr. Wright just told us, the victim was struck with a blunt object. Would you explain to the court just what that "object" was?
Payne: The murder weapon was this statue of "The Thinker." It was found lying on the floor, next to the victim.
Judge: I see... the court accepts it into evidence.
'Statue added to the Court Record.'
'A statue in the shape of "The Thinker." It's rather heavy.'
Just to clarify, this text above me is what you see when you actually open up the Court Record. Just for the readers reference.
Mia: Wright... Be sure to pay attention to any evidence added during the trial. That evidence is the only ammunition you have in court. Touch the Court Record button to check the Court Record frequently.
Way ahead of you!
Judge: Mr. Payne, the prosecution may call its first witness.
Payne: The prosecution calls the defendant, Mr. Butz, to the stand.
Phoenix: Um, Chief, what do I do now?
Mia: Pay attention. You don't want to miss any information that might help your client's case. You'll get your change to respond to the prosecution later, so be ready! Let's just hope he doesn't say anything... unfortunate.
(This is Larry we're talking about here."When something smells...")
Phoenix: (Uh oh, Larry gets excited easily... this could be bad.)
Payne: Ahem. Mr. Butz. Is it not true that the victim had recently dumped you?
Butz: Hey, watch it buddy!
I'm not your buddy, friend! (I'm not your friend, pal!) I'm not your pal, buddy! (Now you're doing a Terrance & Phillip routine from South Park...good grief...)
Butz: We were great together! We were Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony!
Phoenix: (Um... didn't they all die?)
(So why don't you follow Romeo's example and kill yourself!) Dude, that's not cool...true, but still not cool!
Butz: I wasn't dumped! She just wasn't taking my phone calls. Or seeing me... Ever. WHAT'S IT TO YOU, ANYWAY!?
(Funny that you mentioned Cleopatra...you may not be a lady, but your sure the 'King' of de-Nile.) *laughing out loud* Okay, that one was actually pretty funny.
Payne: Mr. Butz, what you describe is generally what we mean by "dumped."
To be precise by a technique called "The Fade Away".
Payne: In fact, she had completely abandoned you... and was seeing other men!
And not in an open relationship either... (What a cheating piece of...whatsit? ...Did you just make me do a reference to Homestar Runner?!) Yep!
Payne: She had just returned from overseas with one of them the day before the murder!
Butz: Whaddya mean, "one of them"!?
Exactly what you'd expect.
Butz: Lies! All of it, lies! I don't believe a word of it!
Payne: Your Honor, the victim's passport. According to this, she was in Paris until the day before she died.
'Passport added to the Court Record.'
'The victim apparently arrived home from Paris on 7/30, the day before the murder.'
Judge: Hmm... Indeed, she appears to have returned the day before the murder.
Butz: Dude... no way...
Payne: The victim was a model, but did not have a large income. It appears that she had several "Sugar Daddies."
Well, whatever it takes to stay off the streets...
Butz: Daddies? Sugar?
("Daddies" as in "Several Significant Others" and "Sugar" as in "Cold, hard cash", duh!)
Payne: Yes. Older men, who gave her money and gifts. She took their money and used it to support her lifestyle.
Akurei, you didn't have to mansplain it like that.
Butz: Duude!
Payne: We can clearly see what kind of woman this Ms. Stone was. Tell me, Mr. Butz, what do you think of her now?
Mia: Wright... I don't think you want him to answer that question.
(And yet...)
Phoenix: (Yeah... Larry has a way of running his mouth in all the wrong directions. Should I...?)
-Wait and see what happens-
-Stop him from answering-
This would be the most logical course of action....
Phoenix: My client had no idea the victim was seeing other men! That question is irrelevant to this case!
Payne: Oof! *wince*
Butz: Dude! Nick! Whaddya mean, "irrelevant"!?
(Dude! Quit while you and your attorney are ahead!)
Butz: That cheatin' she-dog!
(You mean "cheatin' *****".) I haven't seen any evidence that that word could be used in a Teen Rated game. In fact, that Larry used the word "she-dog" instead of...well you know... (And if you don't know, you don't need to.) ...more proves that the b-word is inappropriate!
Butz: I'm gonna die. I'm just gonna drop dead! Yeah! And when I meet her in the afterlife...I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!
Judge: Let's continue with the trial, shall we?
Payne: I believe the accused's motive is clear to everyone.
Payne: I believe the accused's motive is clear to everyone.
Uh...that'd only work if he knew she was cheating on him before the murder, not after.
Judge: Yes, quite.
Phoenix: (Oh boy. This is so not looking good.)
Payne: Next question! You went to the victim's apartment on the day of the murder, did you not?
Butz: Gulp!
(That doesn't sound encouraging for your case.)
Payne: Well, did you, or did you not?
Butz: Heh? Heh heh. Well, maybe I did, and maybe I didn't!
(Still not helping your case.)
Phoenix: (Uh oh. He went. What do I do?)
-Have him answer honestly-
-Stop him from answering-
(This is going to go badly either way, isn't it?) (Yeah...) So...
Phoenix: (I'll send him a signal...LIE LIKE A DOG)
(He's going to get the wrong message. I know it!)
Butz: Um, well, see, it's like this: I don't remember.
Payne: You "don't remember"? Well then, we'll just have to remind you!
Phoenix: (I got a bad feeling about this...)
Payne: We have a witness that can prove he DID go to the victim's apartment that day!
Oh ****!
Judge: Well, that simplifies matters. Who is your witness?
Payne: The man who found the victim's body. Just before making the gruesome discovery... He saw the defendant fleeing the scene of the crime!
Judge: Order! Order in the court! Mr. Payne, the prosecution may call its witness.
Payne: Yes, Your Honor.
Phoenix: (This is bad...)
(No kidding there.)
Payne: On the day of the murder, my witness was selling newspapers at the victim's building. Please bring Mr. Frank Sahwit to the stand!
Get it!? "Sahwit" "Saw it"? (Is there going to be more incredibly lame puns like this?) (Oh...we're just getting started with those...!)
Payne: Mr. Sahwit, you sell newspaper subscriptions, is this correct?
Sahwit: Oh, oh yes! Newspapers, yes!
(Let's see...eyes closed, fidgeting manner, generally looks like a weasel...most likely he did it.) (...) Not sure whether to scold or applaud her?
Judge: Mr. Sahwit, you may proceed with your testimony. Please tell the court what you saw on the day of the murder.
Butz: Um, well, see, it's like this: I don't remember.
Payne: You "don't remember"? Well then, we'll just have to remind you!
Phoenix: (I got a bad feeling about this...)
Payne: We have a witness that can prove he DID go to the victim's apartment that day!
Oh ****!
Judge: Well, that simplifies matters. Who is your witness?
Payne: The man who found the victim's body. Just before making the gruesome discovery... He saw the defendant fleeing the scene of the crime!
Judge: Order! Order in the court! Mr. Payne, the prosecution may call its witness.
Payne: Yes, Your Honor.
Phoenix: (This is bad...)
(No kidding there.)
Payne: On the day of the murder, my witness was selling newspapers at the victim's building. Please bring Mr. Frank Sahwit to the stand!
Get it!? "Sahwit" "Saw it"? (Is there going to be more incredibly lame puns like this?) (Oh...we're just getting started with those...!)
Payne: Mr. Sahwit, you sell newspaper subscriptions, is this correct?
Sahwit: Oh, oh yes! Newspapers, yes!
(Let's see...eyes closed, fidgeting manner, generally looks like a weasel...most likely he did it.) (...) Not sure whether to scold or applaud her?
Judge: Mr. Sahwit, you may proceed with your testimony. Please tell the court what you saw on the day of the murder.
Witness Testimony
-- Witness's Account --
Sahwit: I was going door-to-door, selling subscriptions when I saw a man fleeing an apartment.
Sahwit: I thought he must be in a hurry because he left the door half-open behind him.
Sahwit: Thinking it strange, I looked inside the apartment.
Sahwit: Then I saw her lying there... A woman... not moving... dead!
Sahwit: I quailed in fright and found myself unable to go inside.
Sahwit: I thought to call the police immediately!
Sahwit: However, the phone in her apartment wasn't working.
Sahwit: I went to a nearby park and found a public phone.
Sahwit: I remember the time exactly: It was 1:00 PM.
Sahwit: The man who ran was, without a doubt, the defendant sitting right over there.
I think something strange's with the time... *checking court record* "Time of death"... "4PM-5PM"... (I think we know already where to object.)
Judge: Hmm...
Phoenix: (Larry! Why didn't you tell the truth? I can't defend you against a testimony like that!)
(That's yours and our fault.)
Judge: Incidentally, why wasn't the phone in the victim's apartment working?
Payne: Your Honor, at the time of the murder, there was a blackout in the building.
(But land line phones don't need power to work. That's strange...)
Judge: Aren't phones supposed to work during a blackout?
(Exactly!)
Payne: Yes, Your Honor... However, some cordless phones do not function normally. The phone that Mr. Sahwit used was one of those. Your Honor... I have a record of the blackout, for your perusal.
'Blackout Record added to the Court Record.'
'Electricity to Ms. Stone's building was out from noon to 6PM on the day of the crime.'
Judge: Now, Mr. Wright...
Phoenix: Yes! Er... yes, Your Honor?
(Here comes the real fun part!) (What?)
Judge: You may begin your cross-examination.
Phoenix: C-Cross-examination, Your Honor?
Mia: Alright, Wright, this is it. The real deal!
Phoenix: Uh... what exactly am I supposed to do?
Mia: Why, you expose the lies in the testimony the witness just gave!
Phoenix: Lies! What?! He was lying!?
Mia: Your client is innocent, right? Then that witness must have lied in his testimony! Or is your client really... guilty?
Phoenix: !!! How do I prove he's not?
Mia: You hold the key! It's in the evidence!
Of course, we pointed that out earlier. But why not press a lot just to show you some funny dialogue?
Mia: Compare the witness's testimony to the evidence at hand. There's bound to be a contradiction in there! First, find contradictions between the Court Record and the witness's testimony. Then, once you've found the contradicting evidence... present it and rub it in the witness's face!
(Like a puppy that just took a dump on the new carpet?) ([sarcasm] Most eloquent and sophisticated analogy ever. [/sarcasm])
Phoenix: Um... okay.
---------------------------------------------------
(But we have to save the fun part for the next post.) Apparently, I actually hit the text limit for a single blog post while typing the bit for the actual cross-examination. So, see you in the next post!
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