Celluar: Brrrring... Brrrring... *beep*
???: Hello? This is Maya.
Mia: Hey Maya, it's me.
???: Mia! What's up? You haven't called in a while.
Mia: Sorry, I've been so busy. How you been?
???: Well, LONELY. And it's all YOUR fault. Nah, I'm just teasing. I've been great! I'm finally getting used to having my own place.
Mia: That's good to hear. Actually, I'm calling because I have a favor to ask.
???: I know, I know. You want me to hold evidence for you?
Mia: Sharp as always! There's a lot of buzz about the upcoming trial... I just don't feel safe keeping the evidence here.
???: I gotcha. So, what is it this time?
Mia: It's... a clock.
(We know the one...)
???: A clock?
Mia: Yeah, it's made to look like that statue, "The Thinker." And it tells you the time! I thought you might like it. You always liked toys.
???: Hey! I'm not a little girl anymore, Sis!
Mia: Now, now. You know I'm only teasing. Ah, I should probably tell you, the clock isn't talking right now.
???: Huh? It's not working? That's lame!
Mia: I had to take the clockwork out. Sorry. I put some papers inside it instead.
???: Papers? Is that the evidence, then? Hmm, well... there's a possibility that it might turn out that way, yes.
Mia: Can you come by the office tonight, say 9:00, to pick it up? I'll be in a pretrial meeting until then.
???: Okay, Sis, but I expect dinner! Something good! Like... burgers! I could really go for a good burger.
Well, it was ramen in the original Japanese, but it seems strange that that was given a cultural translation. You 'can' get a decent bowl of ramen in Japanese restaurants in America. (But...But American's eat hamburgers! You and your ramen-eating ways are Un-American!)
Mia: Okay, okay. We'll hit the usual joint.
???: Alright! It's a deal! Okay, Sis, see you soon!
Mia: Yep. I'll be waiting, Maya.
Cellular: *beep* [Conversation recorded. September 5, 9:27 AM]
(Happy...) No, we do not mention that on this blog. Okay!
September 5, 8:57 PM
Fey & Co. Law Offices
???: Now, Miss Fey, I'll take what's mine... the papers.
Mia: I'm sorry, but I can't give you what I don't have
???: Miss Fey, you are a poor liar. Why, I see it right over there... That must be "The Thinker" that swallowed those papers.
Mia: How could you know...?
???: Ho hoh. You are not cogniferous of my background?
According to Wiktionary, that's not a word...
???: Gathering information is my business, you see.
(And yet you've never bothered to search the dictionary for real words...)
Mia: I... I should have been more careful.
???: Ho hoh. My dear Miss Fey... I am so very sorry. But I am afraid I must ask you for one more thing.
("Your life"?)
???: Your eternal silence... Farewell, Miss Fey.
Mia: !!!
'Red...White...Blue...'
(So, pretty much "her life".) (But...but there's the colors of the American flag! Hurray!)
September 5, 9:08 PM
Fey & Co. Law Offices
Phoenix: Uh oh, I'm late. Huh, that's strange. The chief must have gone home already. She said her sister was coming over so we should all go out for dinner... ...What's that smell...?
(Let's see..."Grandma", "Kids with *** cancer","A Super Soaker(tm) full of cat pee", "A pyramid of severed heads"...and I've got a lot more where those came form!)
Phoenix: Blood...? Mia! (Maybe she's in her office!)
And now we have some options for us: Examine or Move. Pretty obvious what we should do here... Move to...the Office!
Phoenix: That smell... Blood!
???: ... *sob* Sis...
Phoenix: (Someone's there!) ...! Chief? Chief...?
(Chief!!!) (Do you have to paraphrase that Metal Gear Solid meme every time an important character dies!?) (Yes.) And if it's from Game of Thrones, it means I'll have to take three drinks.
Phoenix: Chief!!!
(Called it!)
Phoenix: Who are you?
???: ...
Phoenix: (The strange girl dropped out cold. I left her lying on the office sofa. I went back to the chief where she lay under the window. Her body was still warm... I could feel it when I held her shoulder.)
(That's...more than a bit creepy...)
Phoenix: (Then, all too quickly, it began to fade... Until finally she was cold.)
(And so, it is official...the ***** is dead.) Akurei, not cool!
Phoenix: Chief...
Well, we better Examine the place before the police block it off...Thinker Clock first, of course!
Phoenix: It's encrusted with dried blood. How ironic that this became the murder weapon... again.
Nah, that's more like a coincidence. Now for that broken vase...
Phoenix: Some shards of glass are scattered on the floor. They seem to be the remains of a glass light stand.
Let's see what else we can examine in this half of the room...what's with this knocked over chair?
Phoenix: The chief's chair. A simple, functional design. Feels pretty good to sit in, too.
Next...the blinds!
Phoenix: There's a large building right across from the office. The "Gatewater Hotel." A nice, luxurious place.
I see what you did there..."Gatewater", "Watergate"...next is...of course, Mia's corpse.
Phoenix: Chief... It's hard seeing her like this, but if there are any clues here... She was stuck on the head with a blunt object. She probably died instantly. "The Thinker" lying next to her must have been the murder weapon.
'The Thinker added to the Court Record.'
'The murder weapon. Looks like a statue, but it's actually a clock. Made by Larry Butz.'
Phoenix: Hmm... there are some glass shards near the chief's body. Must be pieces of the glass light stand lying broken in the back of the room.
'Glass Shards added to the Court Record.'
'The broken remains of a glass light stand. Broken beyond all recognition.'
Phoenix: Nothing else that seems like a clue here... Hmm...? A piece of paper! It must have fallen from Mia's hand! What could it be?
Of course, next thing to examine is the aforementioned piece of paper...
Phoenix: ! A word is written in blood on this scrap of paper! "Maya"...? Did Mia write this? This piece of paper is a receipt from a department store, dated yesterday.
'Receipt added to the Court Record.'
'A department store receipt with letters written in blood on the back.'
Phoenix: (I think that's enough snooping around for now.)
("Snooping as usual, I see...") (...) Oh right, the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and YouTube Poop.
Phoenix: (I'd better call the police... and find out what that girl was doing here.)
And...examine that phone!
Phoenix: Right! I'd better call the police! ...? That's funny... A few of the screws on the receiver are missing...
(I guess you can say it... *puts on sunglasses* ...had a few screws loose.) Yeah!!!
Phoenix: It looks like someone was halfway through taking it apart.
???: Police!? Please, come quick!
Phoenix: (Wh-what was that!? Someone screaming from outside the window!?) ...! She's staring right at me! She's holding a phone in her hand...
(...And she should put some clothes on.) Okay, so she's showing off her huge tracts of land, if she wants to do that, I don't see why you should be worried about it. Still, is there a working phone on the desk?
Phoenix: A perfectly normal office desk. The chief had a very particular policy about office decor: "Spend big on stuff the clients use, but keep your own stuff simple."
I think I'm going to have to move to find a working phone here... (To Fey & Co. Law Offices! Away!)
Phoenix: ...! (That girl just now...where'd she go!? I put her right there on that sofa...! Uh oh... I hope she didn't run on me.) Yipes! (Don't scare me like that...) Umm... Excuse me but, who are you?
???: ...
Phoenix: It's okay. I work here.
Maya: Maya... Maya Fey.
Phoenix: Maya... Fey?
(Yes, you heard her correctly!)
Phoenix: ("Maya"...? So Mia was writing this girl's name!)
(I know what it looks like, but Maya didn't do it!)
Phoenix: (Maybe I should show her the receipt? I never thought there'd be a sue for evidence like this outside the courtroom!)
(Well, like we told the judge about your defense abilities...be prepared to see a lot more of this.)
Now we have the "Talk" and "Present" options open. (Well, can we see what she has to say?) Okay... the topic choices are... "What happened" and "You and the Chief". ("What happened" of course.) Okie doike loki!
Phoenix: (She seems to be in shock. I don't want to disturb her, but I have to know...) Um... excuse me? Can you tell me what happened?
Maya: ... I came in... The room was dark. And Sis... Sis...!
Phoenix: (So she was already dead.)
("YOU WA SHOCK!") "Ai de sora ga ochite kuru" (It's already bad enough that you burst out into song...again! But now it's a song from some stupid anime.) It's not stupid, besides, what the rest of the Internet knows by it's most well known line from the chorus; it's actual title is "Ai wo Torimodose" or "Bring Back Love" in English. Back to the actual game, the other topic option is "You and the Chief". (Why the heaven not?)
Phoenix: So, you're the chief's...?
Maya: Sister. I'm her younger sister.
Phoenix: And you were here... visiting? This late at night?
Maya: Yes. She said she wanted me to keep some evidence for her.
Phoenix: Evidence...?
Maya: Yes... I-it was that clock... It was "The Thinker."
And now, today's "presentation"... (That was, again, a horrible pun and you know it!) Hey, this very game does that already. So it fits in quite nicely. Like I was saying, today's "presentation" is...a Receipt to Maya!
Phoenix: Before Mia died, she wrote a message with her own blood. She wrote in on the back of this receipt.
Maya: ! Th-th-that's MY name! W-why!? Why would she write my name?
Phoenix: Please, just calm down.
Maya: W-why would Sis write my name?
Phoenix: (Uh-oh. Now I've done it...)
'*whee-ooo* *whee-ooo*... *whee-ooo* *whee-ooo*...'
Phoenix: ! The police! (Sounds like they're coming this way!)
(**** the police!) Okay, despite how funny that'd be in other situations, you can't say that without censorship. To do otherwise would break the rating.
Policeman: Freeze! Police!
(The game didn't actually label the dude like that. Actually, no name at all was given, not even a "???"!) Hush...
Gumshoe: Alright, I'm Detective Dick Gumshoe, see?
(So, you can call people a ****?) Nope, that's his... (Rather unfortunate...) ...name. Although more in the sense that he didn't choose the detective life, the detective life choose him. (Huh?) *facepalm* Both Dick and Gumshoe are nicknames for detectives...
Phoenix: (Gumshoe...? What an odd name.)
Gumshoe: We received a report from the building across the way, see. Got a person saying they saw a murder.
Phoenix: (It must have been that woman I saw.)
Gumshoe: Anyway, I don't want either of you moving one inch, 'kay?
Phoenix: (Great. Just great.)
(If any Dick Gumshoe fans are reading this, this is just about the last time that he'll have any sort of respect in this series.)
Phoenix: (Maya... Wait, she wouldn't have... nah.)
Gumshoe: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaah! Scuze me!
Maya: Eek!
Gumshoe: This word "Maya" here mean anything to you?
Maya: ...! Um... that... That's my name.
Gumshoe: WHAAAAT!? The victim drew this here note in her own blood, see? With her dying breath, she wrote down the killer's name!
(Wouldn't "the last of her strength" make more sense? I mean "dying breath" would be more appropriate if she 'said' the name rather than writing it down...) Okay, I think that's enough. (Why, the Pansy do anything bad this time?) No, unless you count being long winded and boring.
Maya: Killer? I-I'm not...
Gumshoe: Case closed! You're coming down the the precinct, ma'am.
I prefer the title "Detective Conan" myself... (*sigh*) What? At least the series I'm talking about has a similar concept. (As in, solving murder cases and finding out who done it!)
Phoenix: (She seems to be in shock. I don't want to disturb her, but I have to know...) Um... excuse me? Can you tell me what happened?
Maya: ... I came in... The room was dark. And Sis... Sis...!
Phoenix: (So she was already dead.)
("YOU WA SHOCK!") "Ai de sora ga ochite kuru" (It's already bad enough that you burst out into song...again! But now it's a song from some stupid anime.) It's not stupid, besides, what the rest of the Internet knows by it's most well known line from the chorus; it's actual title is "Ai wo Torimodose" or "Bring Back Love" in English. Back to the actual game, the other topic option is "You and the Chief". (Why the heaven not?)
Phoenix: So, you're the chief's...?
Maya: Sister. I'm her younger sister.
Phoenix: And you were here... visiting? This late at night?
Maya: Yes. She said she wanted me to keep some evidence for her.
Phoenix: Evidence...?
Maya: Yes... I-it was that clock... It was "The Thinker."
And now, today's "presentation"... (That was, again, a horrible pun and you know it!) Hey, this very game does that already. So it fits in quite nicely. Like I was saying, today's "presentation" is...a Receipt to Maya!
Phoenix: Before Mia died, she wrote a message with her own blood. She wrote in on the back of this receipt.
Maya: ! Th-th-that's MY name! W-why!? Why would she write my name?
Phoenix: Please, just calm down.
Maya: W-why would Sis write my name?
Phoenix: (Uh-oh. Now I've done it...)
'*whee-ooo* *whee-ooo*... *whee-ooo* *whee-ooo*...'
Phoenix: ! The police! (Sounds like they're coming this way!)
(**** the police!) Okay, despite how funny that'd be in other situations, you can't say that without censorship. To do otherwise would break the rating.
Policeman: Freeze! Police!
(The game didn't actually label the dude like that. Actually, no name at all was given, not even a "???"!) Hush...
Gumshoe: Alright, I'm Detective Dick Gumshoe, see?
(So, you can call people a ****?) Nope, that's his... (Rather unfortunate...) ...name. Although more in the sense that he didn't choose the detective life, the detective life choose him. (Huh?) *facepalm* Both Dick and Gumshoe are nicknames for detectives...
Phoenix: (Gumshoe...? What an odd name.)
Gumshoe: We received a report from the building across the way, see. Got a person saying they saw a murder.
Phoenix: (It must have been that woman I saw.)
Gumshoe: Anyway, I don't want either of you moving one inch, 'kay?
Phoenix: (Great. Just great.)
(If any Dick Gumshoe fans are reading this, this is just about the last time that he'll have any sort of respect in this series.)
Phoenix: (Maya... Wait, she wouldn't have... nah.)
Gumshoe: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaah! Scuze me!
Maya: Eek!
Gumshoe: This word "Maya" here mean anything to you?
Maya: ...! Um... that... That's my name.
Gumshoe: WHAAAAT!? The victim drew this here note in her own blood, see? With her dying breath, she wrote down the killer's name!
(Wouldn't "the last of her strength" make more sense? I mean "dying breath" would be more appropriate if she 'said' the name rather than writing it down...) Okay, I think that's enough. (Why, the Pansy do anything bad this time?) No, unless you count being long winded and boring.
Maya: Killer? I-I'm not...
Gumshoe: Case closed! You're coming down the the precinct, ma'am.
I prefer the title "Detective Conan" myself... (*sigh*) What? At least the series I'm talking about has a similar concept. (As in, solving murder cases and finding out who done it!)
Maya: W-what?
Phoenix: Mia's younger sister, Maya, was arrested on the spot. I was taken in for questioning and didn't get out until the next morning. My eyes were heavy... but I couldn't sleep. I sat around, waiting for visiting hours to begin at the detention center. I had to talk to Maya as soon as possible.
September 6, 9:07 AM
Detention Center
Visitor's Room
Phoenix: (Wow, they have poor Maya locked up like a criminal.)
Maya: Oh! It's you! The lawyer... G-good morning.
Phoenix: Good morning! (She looks so tired...)
Maya: Um... Are you going to be my attorney?
Phoenix: Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about...
-It's up to you-
-Of course I will-
-Sorry, not a chance-
I know rails when I see them... (*choo-choo*)
Phoenix: (First things first, I better get her cheered up...) Yeah, of course I will! Cheer up!
Maya: R-really...?
Phoenix: (Whoa! Did I say the wrong thing? She looks sadder now!) Um... what... what's wrong? You don't think I can do it?
Maya: ...No... no one could! Who would believe me? Even you, when you found me in the office. You looked at me like I had done it!
Phoenix: (Did I look at her like that?) No, no! I never thought...
Maya: I-it's okay. I understand. ...And... I've also heard about you.
Phoenix: Heard...? Heard what about me?
(Oh dear God...did she see those awful "Phoenix Wrong" videos...?) Niyagi, to you, anything nerdy is awful. (Exactly! It's not normal!) (Not any more...)
Maya: I... was talking to my sister on the phone the other day...
Mia: "Today was my junior partner's first time in court."
Maya: Wow! Really? How'd that go?
Mia: "It was quite the scene!"
(Well, you see, these two inconsiderate nerds where playing some stupid card game while the trial was just starting...)
Mia: "Honestly, I was on edge the whole time. It's been a while..."
Maya: Hah! So, he crashed and burned?
Mia: "...He's a genius. One of those 'strike fear into the hearts of evil' types...The only thing he's lacking is...experience."
But once he does, get that experience that is, he'll become an Internet legend...
Maya: Huh, sounds like it was fun! Well, I know who to go to if I ever get into trouble now!
Mia: "I don't know, Maya. I think you might want to wait... give him three more years. That is, unless you want to be found guilty."
Maya: That's what she said!
Phoenix: ...
Maya: I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to trouble you...
Phoenix: No, it's okay. It's true, I guess. But... at the same time, I can't just sit and watch! When I think of the person who did this to Mia...
Maya: ...I know...
So...it's talking time. First topic of conversation is...Maya!
Phoenix: There's something I've been wanting to ask you...
Maya: Yes?
Phoenix: What's with that outfit?
Maya: Oh, this? This is what all acolytes wear. It's my uniform, you could say.
Phoenix: A-acolytes? Like people in religious training? What is it you do?
Maya: Oh! It's nothing strange, really! I'm a spirit medium. ...In training.
(What do you mean!? That's practically the definition of "Strange!")
Phoenix: A s-spirit medium!? (I'm pretty sure that qualifies as strange.)
(I know right!?) (*Rolling on the floor laughing*) (*ji...*) Well, that is pretty funny. Well, I know what the next topic should be... (Spirit Mediums...)
Phoenix: So you're an acolyte. A, er, medium-in-training.
Maya: That's right. The Fey family, especially the women, have always been very sensitive to the spirit world.
Phoenix: Wait a second, you said the "Fey Family"? So, Mia was into this stuff too?
Maya: Of course! She left the mountain to "follow her career," she said. He powers were first-class, too!
Phoenix: (I... I had no idea.)
("Ready normal people!") Ready! (...) ("Let me hear it!") "The Internet is for..." (No! This is a teen rated game! You two shall not sing that awful song here!)
Phoenix: Hmm... Wait...!
Maya: What?
Phoenix: So, you're a real, honest-to-goodness spirit medium? With E.S.P. and all that?
Maya: Yes. ...In training.
Phoenix: Well, can't you contact Mia's spirit, then? We can just ask her who killed her!
Maya: ...! I-I'm sorry... I'm still in training. I couldn't do something on that level...
Phoenix: (Hmm... I thought that would be too easy.)
Well, there's only one topic of conversation left..."The day of the crime".
Phoenix: Could you tell me about the day of the murder?
Maya: Yes! Let's see... that morning, I got a call from my sister. Se wanted me to hold onto a piece of evidence for an upcoming trial.
Phoenix: Evidence?
(Yeah, you do remember what that is, right?) (Did you really have to go there!?)
Maya: Yes. That clock shaped like "The Thinker."
Phoenix: (The one Larry made...) How could that have been evidence in a case?
Maya: Um, right, she said something about that... ...I remember! Do you want to hear it in her own voice?
Phoenix: H-her own voice!?
Somehow I doubt it would involve supernatural means...
Maya: Yes. I'm pretty sure our conversation is on my cell phone.
Phoenix: You recorded it!
(Well, you knew it...) But why can't my cell phone record conversations!? (Maybe we could just ask the NSA for their copy...oops, forgot, they don't want us to know that they're doing that in the first place.) (Both of you are Un-American Traitors!) Actually, what the NSA is doing is un-American...
Maya: Yeah! I forgot how to delete those things.
Well, there's one more topic, "Your cell phone."
Phoenix: So, you say you have a conversation with your sister on your cell phone? Let's hear it!
Maya: Right! Oh! I just remembered: that detective took my cell phone. Sorry.
Phoenix: Oh, right. (Of course...) Next time I see Detective Gumshoe I'll ask him for it.
Maya: I'll write you a note so you don't forget, okay?
Phoenix: Sure, thanks.
'Maya's Memo added to the Court Record.'
'"A conversation I had with my sister is recorded on my cell phone."'
Maya: ... Um...!
Phoenix: Huh? Something the matter?
Maya: Um... I was wondering, could I ask you a favor?
Phoenix: ...?
Maya: This is the address of a famous lawyer. My sister gave me this a long time ago. She said if I was ever in trouble, I should call him. And, well, I'm in trouble. Do you think you could go ask him to represent me?
Phoenix: (Hmm...)
-Accept-
-Refuse-
Well, it'll move the plot along. Still, we know what his answer will be when we ask for Maya... ("Nope. **** you. You're on your own kid." Grrr... I don't like not being able to curse uncensored.)
Phoenix: Sure, why not? I'll go ask.
Maya: Thank you so much! I have no one else to turn to...
Phoenix: ...? Say, what about your parents?
Maya: ... ... ...
(Yeah...her father is dead and soon so will her mother!) (The Monster here is really insensitive...)
Phoenix: I... I see. Don't worry, leave it to me.
Maya: Thank you! The trial's tomorrow... at 10:00.
Phoenix: W-what!? Tomorrow!?
"Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun" (Well, at least that's not as bad as your usual references...)
Maya: Tomorrow.
Phoenix: What if this guy refuses!?
Maya: They told me that if I don't find one, the state will pick an attorney to defend me.
'Cause...well... ("Anyone who represents themselves in court has a fool for a client.")
Phoenix: When will that happen? They're giving me until 4:00 this afternoon. (And visiting hours are almost up... I'd better hurry!) Right, I'll be right back!
And we're on the move, next destination..
So...it's talking time. First topic of conversation is...Maya!
Phoenix: There's something I've been wanting to ask you...
Maya: Yes?
Phoenix: What's with that outfit?
Maya: Oh, this? This is what all acolytes wear. It's my uniform, you could say.
Phoenix: A-acolytes? Like people in religious training? What is it you do?
Maya: Oh! It's nothing strange, really! I'm a spirit medium. ...In training.
(What do you mean!? That's practically the definition of "Strange!")
Phoenix: A s-spirit medium!? (I'm pretty sure that qualifies as strange.)
(I know right!?) (*Rolling on the floor laughing*) (*ji...*) Well, that is pretty funny. Well, I know what the next topic should be... (Spirit Mediums...)
Phoenix: So you're an acolyte. A, er, medium-in-training.
Maya: That's right. The Fey family, especially the women, have always been very sensitive to the spirit world.
Phoenix: Wait a second, you said the "Fey Family"? So, Mia was into this stuff too?
Maya: Of course! She left the mountain to "follow her career," she said. He powers were first-class, too!
Phoenix: (I... I had no idea.)
("Ready normal people!") Ready! (...) ("Let me hear it!") "The Internet is for..." (No! This is a teen rated game! You two shall not sing that awful song here!)
Phoenix: Hmm... Wait...!
Maya: What?
Phoenix: So, you're a real, honest-to-goodness spirit medium? With E.S.P. and all that?
Maya: Yes. ...In training.
Phoenix: Well, can't you contact Mia's spirit, then? We can just ask her who killed her!
Maya: ...! I-I'm sorry... I'm still in training. I couldn't do something on that level...
Phoenix: (Hmm... I thought that would be too easy.)
Well, there's only one topic of conversation left..."The day of the crime".
Phoenix: Could you tell me about the day of the murder?
Maya: Yes! Let's see... that morning, I got a call from my sister. Se wanted me to hold onto a piece of evidence for an upcoming trial.
Phoenix: Evidence?
(Yeah, you do remember what that is, right?) (Did you really have to go there!?)
Maya: Yes. That clock shaped like "The Thinker."
Phoenix: (The one Larry made...) How could that have been evidence in a case?
Maya: Um, right, she said something about that... ...I remember! Do you want to hear it in her own voice?
Phoenix: H-her own voice!?
Somehow I doubt it would involve supernatural means...
Maya: Yes. I'm pretty sure our conversation is on my cell phone.
Phoenix: You recorded it!
(Well, you knew it...) But why can't my cell phone record conversations!? (Maybe we could just ask the NSA for their copy...oops, forgot, they don't want us to know that they're doing that in the first place.) (Both of you are Un-American Traitors!) Actually, what the NSA is doing is un-American...
Maya: Yeah! I forgot how to delete those things.
Well, there's one more topic, "Your cell phone."
Phoenix: So, you say you have a conversation with your sister on your cell phone? Let's hear it!
Maya: Right! Oh! I just remembered: that detective took my cell phone. Sorry.
Phoenix: Oh, right. (Of course...) Next time I see Detective Gumshoe I'll ask him for it.
Maya: I'll write you a note so you don't forget, okay?
Phoenix: Sure, thanks.
'Maya's Memo added to the Court Record.'
'"A conversation I had with my sister is recorded on my cell phone."'
Maya: ... Um...!
Phoenix: Huh? Something the matter?
Maya: Um... I was wondering, could I ask you a favor?
Phoenix: ...?
Maya: This is the address of a famous lawyer. My sister gave me this a long time ago. She said if I was ever in trouble, I should call him. And, well, I'm in trouble. Do you think you could go ask him to represent me?
Phoenix: (Hmm...)
-Accept-
-Refuse-
Well, it'll move the plot along. Still, we know what his answer will be when we ask for Maya... ("Nope. **** you. You're on your own kid." Grrr... I don't like not being able to curse uncensored.)
Phoenix: Sure, why not? I'll go ask.
Maya: Thank you so much! I have no one else to turn to...
Phoenix: ...? Say, what about your parents?
Maya: ... ... ...
(Yeah...her father is dead and soon so will her mother!) (The Monster here is really insensitive...)
Phoenix: I... I see. Don't worry, leave it to me.
Maya: Thank you! The trial's tomorrow... at 10:00.
Phoenix: W-what!? Tomorrow!?
"Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun" (Well, at least that's not as bad as your usual references...)
Maya: Tomorrow.
Phoenix: What if this guy refuses!?
Maya: They told me that if I don't find one, the state will pick an attorney to defend me.
'Cause...well... ("Anyone who represents themselves in court has a fool for a client.")
Phoenix: When will that happen? They're giving me until 4:00 this afternoon. (And visiting hours are almost up... I'd better hurry!) Right, I'll be right back!
And we're on the move, next destination..
September 6
Grossberg Law Offices
Phoenix: (According to the receptionist, the big boss is "out". She couldn't say when he'd be back. It must be hard to keep track of everything when you're a famous lawyer...)
Well, you'll find out soon enough... (Or...not...)
Phoenix: (Not to mention run an office like this. I guess I'll just have to come back later.)
*looks left* *looks right* *looks left again* Looks like it's time to... (Examine ALL THE THINGS!) Oh, what's this thing on the table?
Phoenix: A table for clients. Hmm... an elegant ebony case, and if I'm not mistaken, that lighter's made of solid gold.
(Not really...) I know right, 24 kart gold is too soft for most anything to be made of it. (That's not what I was getting at.)
Phoenix: Even I can tell someone here's got money to burn.
In that case can he send some of it my way? Now...how about that green globe on the bookshelf...
Phoenix: Expensive-looking mahogany bookshelves, filled with expensive-looking books. Hmm... funny... they don't look like they've ever been read.
Aw, poor books...I bet they're crying right now... (Still, what's the deal with that large painting on the wall?)
Phoenix: That painting has been bugging me ever since I stepped in here. The oil paint is so think it's practically giving me a stuffed nose. I'm sure the price is nothing to sneeze at either, for that matter.
([sarcasm] Ha ha! Very funny. [/sarcasm]) What about that potted plant...?
Phoenix: An expensive potted plant. No idea what kind of plant it is, but it's probably the most expensive on available.
And now the desk. Is it made of... ("Mahogany!")
Phoenix: A solid mahogany desk.
(I knew it! Now are the doors made of mahogany...)
Phoenix: The wood's been polished to a deep luster.
And...absolutely nothing happens... (Unless you count witty dialogue.) No, I don't. Well, let's see what happens if we go to...
September 6
Fey & Co. Law Offices
Phoenix: (The office is filled with police officers. They're all busily searching for clues...)
???: Hey! You there!
(Let me guess, it's Dick again.) (*ji...*) (What? That's his name!) (Yes, I know, just please wear it out...)
???: This is a crime scene, pal! No trespassing! Umm... Sorry, don't I know you from somewhere?
(I knew it!) (The readers can't see the sprites we're seeing...)
???: Wait, you're that Butz guy, aren't you!
Phoenix: No, no, Phoenix Wright. (How could anyone mistake me for Larry!?)
???: Ah, guess I got the wrong name, Mr. Wright. Sorry 'bout that. That Butz guy, he was a killer! And you're no killer! Right?
(WRONG!) "That Sahwit guy" was a killer! "That Butz guy" was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Phoenix: (He WAS proven innocent...) Umm.. right. And you were...
-Detective Gumshoe-
-Detective Suedeshoes-
-Detective Gumtree-
(Of course we know the right answer here.)
Phoenix: Um... Gumshoe, wasn't it? Dick Gumshoe?
???: Right! At your service.
Wait a minute... is there a patchy gourd pig somewhere around here? (And... now you're making a reference to a running gag from some obscure Japanese Comic Book artist.) Maybe to the mainstream, he's obscure, but to Otaku he's...The God of Manga! (Whatever...)
???: Hang on! That's Detective Gumshoe to you, pal!
(I'm not your pal, friend!) I'm not his friend, buddy! (I'm immediately going to un-friend you if you continue that Terrance and Phillip routine!) We don't book face... (So we don't give a flying ****.) Okay, you really need to stop cursing in this LP already... (...fine...how's "we don't give a flying buck."?) Much better!
Gumshoe: Anyway, get the name right. And don't go calling me "Dick"...
Police: Hey, Dick! Get over here!
Gumshoe: Y-yes, sir! B-be right there!
(And...any sort of respect for him has started to go down the loo already...)
Gumshoe: Umm... ahem! You're her lawyer, right, pal? If you got business here, you'd better do it quick!
Phoenix: (Whew! He thinks I'm Maya's lawyer...!)
Now to talk about ALL the things! ("All" the things?) Yes, ALL of them! First topic of conversation, Mia...
Phoenix: About Ms. Fey... did you do an autopsy?
Gumshoe: Hmm? You want to know the results, eh?
Phoenix: ...
Gumshoe: Now don't you look at me like that, pal! It's no use! She might have been your boss, but that doesn't mean you get any special treatment. Alright, alright. You can see the report, but that's all!
'Autopsy Report added to the Court Record.'
'Time of death: 9/5 at 9:00 PM. Cause: single blunt force trauma. Death was instantaneous.'
Next topic of conversation, Maya... (*Looks up* Speaking of which, don't forget to get that recorded conversation from Maya's cell phone!)
Phoenix: Um, about Maya...
Gumshoe: Yeah! I'm looking forward to the trial! Sorry, pal, but this is one trial you aren't going to win!
Phoenix: W-why do you say that?
Gumshoe: The city's put Prosecutor Edgeworth on the prosecution!
("Hello, hello, you've just reached the Department of Redundancy Department!")
Phoenix: (Edgeworth...)
Gumshoe: I'm sure you know what that means, you being a lawyer and all.
And now the new topic, "Edgeworth"...
Phoenix: Prosecutor Edgeworth...
Gumshoe: That's right, pal! Mr. Miles Edgeworth himself! Wait... you do know him, don't you!?
-Of course I do!-
-Of course not!-
Well first... (Shimohi's played this game and several others in the Ace Attorney series before.) Second... (Phoenix here knew Miles when...) (Spoiler alert!) (This game had been out for...how many years?) About eight years, as of this typing. (Right, that's WAY longer than the grace period for spoilers from the 'end' of a game: Four to eight 'weeks', depending on game length.) Even if that was in years rather than weeks, the grace period is up. (Still, I'll shout over any attempt at revealing this plot detail too early!) Fine. So Mr. Wright says...
Phoenix: I know him. He's a feared prosecutor. He doesn't feel pain, he doesn't feel remorse. He won't stop until he gets his "guilty" verdict.
Gumshoe: Aww, don't talk about him that way. You make him barely sound human! Still, I'm afraid this pretty much decides the case.
Phoenix: (So, Edgeworth is on this one... He hasn't lost a case since he became prosecutor at the incredibly young age of 20. Of course, there are rumors of back-alley deals and forged evidence... All I know for sure is that Edgeworth hates crime with an almost abnormal passion. I never imagined I'd be facing him so soon...)
Don't worry, Phoenix! With our guidance, you can expose the truth...that Maya is innocent and didn't kill her sister! And now to present that memo...
Phoenix: I was wondering... did you see Maya Fey's cell phone?
Gumshoe: Oh that? I have that.
Phoenix: Do you think you could give it back?
Gumshoe: Sure! I mean, wait a second, pal! Tricky lawyer!
Phoenix: (Uh-oh, he's on to me!)
(Well, let's take Phoenix's advice from the last case...) "Lie like a dog?" (Yeah!)
Phoenix: (Okay, I can't be straight with this guy... but what should I tell him?)
Gumshoe: Something the matter?
Phoenix: Oh, no, um... T-that carrying strap on the cell phone...
Gumshoe: This? Hmm... it says "The Steel Samurai: Warrior of Neo Olde Tokyo"...
"Neo Olde"... Really?! That's pretty much the same as calling it "New Old Tokyo"...
Gumshoe: "The Steel Samurai"... that action hero on TV?
Phoenix: Yeah, you see that strap is a collector's item... She... was worried it might get lost if it went down to the precinct.
Gumshoe: That what she said?
Phoenix: Um. Yes.
(I'd do the whole "pants on fire" routine here but...) ...in this case, the lie if for a good cause. (Clearing the innocent and punishing the guilty!)
Gumshoe: ...Okay, pal. I wrote down all the numbers she called anyway. Here you go.
Phoenix: (Seems he didn't notice the recorded conversation...)
'Received: Maya's Cell Phone.'
'Check the Court Record to hear the recorded conversation.' Well, you readers at home can just scroll up to get that same information, so I'm not copying it down here.
Phoenix: (I guess I've asked all the questions I need to.)
Gumshoe: You all done, pal?
???: Ah, guess I got the wrong name, Mr. Wright. Sorry 'bout that. That Butz guy, he was a killer! And you're no killer! Right?
(WRONG!) "That Sahwit guy" was a killer! "That Butz guy" was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Phoenix: (He WAS proven innocent...) Umm.. right. And you were...
-Detective Gumshoe-
-Detective Suedeshoes-
-Detective Gumtree-
(Of course we know the right answer here.)
Phoenix: Um... Gumshoe, wasn't it? Dick Gumshoe?
???: Right! At your service.
Wait a minute... is there a patchy gourd pig somewhere around here? (And... now you're making a reference to a running gag from some obscure Japanese Comic Book artist.) Maybe to the mainstream, he's obscure, but to Otaku he's...The God of Manga! (Whatever...)
???: Hang on! That's Detective Gumshoe to you, pal!
(I'm not your pal, friend!) I'm not his friend, buddy! (I'm immediately going to un-friend you if you continue that Terrance and Phillip routine!) We don't book face... (So we don't give a flying ****.) Okay, you really need to stop cursing in this LP already... (...fine...how's "we don't give a flying buck."?) Much better!
Gumshoe: Anyway, get the name right. And don't go calling me "Dick"...
Police: Hey, Dick! Get over here!
Gumshoe: Y-yes, sir! B-be right there!
(And...any sort of respect for him has started to go down the loo already...)
Gumshoe: Umm... ahem! You're her lawyer, right, pal? If you got business here, you'd better do it quick!
Phoenix: (Whew! He thinks I'm Maya's lawyer...!)
Now to talk about ALL the things! ("All" the things?) Yes, ALL of them! First topic of conversation, Mia...
Phoenix: About Ms. Fey... did you do an autopsy?
Gumshoe: Hmm? You want to know the results, eh?
Phoenix: ...
Gumshoe: Now don't you look at me like that, pal! It's no use! She might have been your boss, but that doesn't mean you get any special treatment. Alright, alright. You can see the report, but that's all!
'Autopsy Report added to the Court Record.'
'Time of death: 9/5 at 9:00 PM. Cause: single blunt force trauma. Death was instantaneous.'
Next topic of conversation, Maya... (*Looks up* Speaking of which, don't forget to get that recorded conversation from Maya's cell phone!)
Phoenix: Um, about Maya...
Gumshoe: Yeah! I'm looking forward to the trial! Sorry, pal, but this is one trial you aren't going to win!
Phoenix: W-why do you say that?
Gumshoe: The city's put Prosecutor Edgeworth on the prosecution!
("Hello, hello, you've just reached the Department of Redundancy Department!")
Phoenix: (Edgeworth...)
Gumshoe: I'm sure you know what that means, you being a lawyer and all.
And now the new topic, "Edgeworth"...
Phoenix: Prosecutor Edgeworth...
Gumshoe: That's right, pal! Mr. Miles Edgeworth himself! Wait... you do know him, don't you!?
-Of course I do!-
-Of course not!-
Well first... (Shimohi's played this game and several others in the Ace Attorney series before.) Second... (Phoenix here knew Miles when...) (Spoiler alert!) (This game had been out for...how many years?) About eight years, as of this typing. (Right, that's WAY longer than the grace period for spoilers from the 'end' of a game: Four to eight 'weeks', depending on game length.) Even if that was in years rather than weeks, the grace period is up. (Still, I'll shout over any attempt at revealing this plot detail too early!) Fine. So Mr. Wright says...
Phoenix: I know him. He's a feared prosecutor. He doesn't feel pain, he doesn't feel remorse. He won't stop until he gets his "guilty" verdict.
Gumshoe: Aww, don't talk about him that way. You make him barely sound human! Still, I'm afraid this pretty much decides the case.
Phoenix: (So, Edgeworth is on this one... He hasn't lost a case since he became prosecutor at the incredibly young age of 20. Of course, there are rumors of back-alley deals and forged evidence... All I know for sure is that Edgeworth hates crime with an almost abnormal passion. I never imagined I'd be facing him so soon...)
Don't worry, Phoenix! With our guidance, you can expose the truth...that Maya is innocent and didn't kill her sister! And now to present that memo...
Phoenix: I was wondering... did you see Maya Fey's cell phone?
Gumshoe: Oh that? I have that.
Phoenix: Do you think you could give it back?
Gumshoe: Sure! I mean, wait a second, pal! Tricky lawyer!
Phoenix: (Uh-oh, he's on to me!)
(Well, let's take Phoenix's advice from the last case...) "Lie like a dog?" (Yeah!)
Phoenix: (Okay, I can't be straight with this guy... but what should I tell him?)
Gumshoe: Something the matter?
Phoenix: Oh, no, um... T-that carrying strap on the cell phone...
Gumshoe: This? Hmm... it says "The Steel Samurai: Warrior of Neo Olde Tokyo"...
"Neo Olde"... Really?! That's pretty much the same as calling it "New Old Tokyo"...
Gumshoe: "The Steel Samurai"... that action hero on TV?
Phoenix: Yeah, you see that strap is a collector's item... She... was worried it might get lost if it went down to the precinct.
Gumshoe: That what she said?
Phoenix: Um. Yes.
(I'd do the whole "pants on fire" routine here but...) ...in this case, the lie if for a good cause. (Clearing the innocent and punishing the guilty!)
Gumshoe: ...Okay, pal. I wrote down all the numbers she called anyway. Here you go.
Phoenix: (Seems he didn't notice the recorded conversation...)
'Received: Maya's Cell Phone.'
'Check the Court Record to hear the recorded conversation.' Well, you readers at home can just scroll up to get that same information, so I'm not copying it down here.
Phoenix: (I guess I've asked all the questions I need to.)
Gumshoe: You all done, pal?
Phoenix: Um, yes, thank you. I'll be heading out now.
Gumshoe: Oh, wait. One more thing I wanted to mention to you. I don't suppose you're planning on talking to that witness. Anyway, you'd better not!
(Why, is she a total b...?) ...with an itch? (Yeah...what Shimohi here said...let's just go with that.)
Gumshoe: No influencing the witness with your lawyerly ways, pal!
Phoenix: ... (Come to think of it, I had completely forgotten about her...) The... witness?
Gumshoe: Yeah, Miss April May. I'm sorry 'bout this... But I can't tell you anything about her!
Phoenix: (Well, you just told me her name. Miss May, huh?) So you've sent her home already, then?
(Let's see how many Jedi mind tricks we can pull on him. *looks up* So far that's two times...)
Gumshoe: Ahah! You're trying your lawyerly tricks on me now! She's not to go outside her room until the trial!
(...three times...)
Phoenix: (So... she's still in the hotel across the way.) I guess I should know better than to try to get a detective to leak information.
Gumshoe: You got that right, pal!
(...and it's official, Dick over here's an idiot.)
Phoenix: (Time to pay a visit to Miss May!)
... *leaves* (Excuse Shimohi for a moment to find a missing brain in the gutter.) ...and I'm back. Next stop...
September 6
Gatewater Hotel - Room 303
April: Well! Hello there, handsome.
Phoenix: Umm... hi. (Smooth, Wright, real smooth.)
April: You're the lawyer, aren't you? The detective told me... He said, "Don't say nothing to that lawyer, pal!" Tee hee!
Does Detective Gumshoe realise he used a double negative there? (In such a way that actually says "tell him everything"...) Yeah... (Dick spawned out of an idiot tree and hit every branch on the way down... before hitting his head, of course.)
Phoenix: (Memo to self: thank Detective Gumshoe for making my job harder.)
April: Gee! This is all like something out of a movie! It's all so exciting I can hardly contain myself! Ooh! Let me go freshen up so I can look the part of the beautiful eyewitness!
Phoenix: (I pity the lawyer that has to cross-examine this one.)
(And so that pity will be post marked to your future self, got it!) So, he's "pitying the fool"? (Did you really have to shoehorn in that Mr. T reference?) Anyway, now it's time to examine ALL the things...again! (First of all, what's that poking out of the drawer?)
Phoenix: (There's a screwdriver stuck in this drawer. I wonder what's inside? Let's take a look...)
April: Hey! H-h-hey!!!
(Well, that was an extremely short search...)
April: What are yo doing!? No touching! Oooh. Bad boy!
..."Bad! No treats for you!"? (And now you're quoting one of several series of shorts from "Animaniacs"...)
April: Y-you really shouldn't pry around in other people's rooms, now. You wouldn't want to make me upset, would you?
Phoenix: (Upset!? I thought she was going to explode for a second there! I wonder what could be inside the drawer?)
Well, it's the forbidden fruit after all. Well, now that she's here, let's get the chatter box rolling. Starting conversation topics are "What you witnessed", "Miss May", and "This room". (How about we start with "Miss May"?) I don't see why not.
Phoenix: Um, could you... just who exactly are you?
April: Oooh, Mr. Lawyer! Are you hitting on me?
I figured it'd turn out like this...
Phoenix: N-n-no! Hey! I'm just doing my job here!
April: Tee hee! You know, you're cute when you blush.
(And...you just keep digging yourself into a hole...)
Phoenix: (Believe me, this is the first time in my life I've blushed this much...)
(What? Forget about "Dollie" already?) Akurei... we haven't done that game yet...
Phoenix: Umm... eh heh. Right... can you just tell me what it is you do?
April: Well... No! Tee hee! And you had your little hopes up, didn't you!
Phoenix: (Oh boy.)
(You know what, this has been a boring conversation anyway. Let's try to search the room some more.) Let's see...how about that window? Supposedly you can see Fey & Co. Law Offices from here...
Phoenix: The late summer sunlight streams through the window. There's the Fey & Co. Law Offices building, of course. You can see the inside of the room pretty clearly from here. I think it would be a little difficult to recognize a face from this distance, though.
And now... (What about the wine there?) Good question, but I'm more concerned about the number of glasses...
Phoenix: A bottle and two glasses are on the table. Somebody must be staying with her.
(Well, we're not going to get anything out of this bimbo.) *sigh* Let's just see if Mr. Grossberg is back yet...
Phoenix: (Hmm... seems like Mr. Grossberg is out. Well, maybe I should just wait here for him to come back.)
???: *Ah-HHHHEM!*
Phoenix: (If that wasn't the most over-the-top clearing of the throat I've ever heard!)
Grossberg: Ah hah! So, you're the one they say has been looking for me?
Phoenix: Uh... y-yes, that's me! (He looks even... grander than I imagined!)
Grossberg: Hmm...? That badge on your collar...? Ah, so you're a lawyer, are you now?
Yes, in this setting defense attorneys have a pin-on badge. Heck, it's even in the Court Record!
'No one would believe I was a defense attorney if I didn't carry this.'
Phoenix: Y-yes, well... yes.
Grossberg: And what do you want? I'm not particularly busy these days... Please, proceed!
Phoenix: (Not busy...? Then how come no one could get in touch with you?)
(Two words: "Broken Bridge"!)
Grossberg: Hmm? Something the matter? You came to see the one-and-only Marvin Grossberg, did you not? Well, here I am, boy! What do you want? Out with it!
Phoenix: Um... w-well, sir, actually, it's about Maya. Maya Fey.
Grossberg: ...! Ah... yes. Maya Fey. Go on.
Phoenix: (Hmm? Why the strange reaction?)
Grossberg: A-cha-cha.
(What!? Have you forgotten how to talk?!)
Grossberg: I'm really quite busy here, son.
(Bull****! I can still see you saying "I'm not particularly busy these days..." up there!)
Grossberg: I can't go taking cases on a day's notice! No, it's quite impossible.
Phoenix: W-wait a second! How did you know the trail was tomorrow!?
Grossberg: Urk? Ahem! A-anyway... I'm afraid it's entirely impossible for me to represent her. Sorry. End of discussion.
(Well, I know this one joke that works well here: "What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a low-life bottom-feeding scum sucker...) The punchline of that joke is the title of this post.
Phoenix: (What's going on!? He refused me before I even got a chance to ask him! What do I tell Maya...?)
Well, we already examined all the things, so let's do some talking! Possible topics are: "Your refusal", "Mia", and "That painting". And let's do this in order, shall we?
Phoenix: How can you just refuse like that! Please, tell me why you won't take the case!
Grossberg: Hmm? Eh, ahem! Well, you see it's just...I'm busy, you see!
Phoenix: But the client is Mia Fey's sister!
Grossberg: Hmm... ahem.
Phoenix: Mia trusted you... She knew her sister would be in good hands.
Grossberg: Yes, yes, of course I know that. However! I'm sorry but, I must refuse. Sorry. Good-bye.
Phoenix: Creep. Fine. I don't have time to argue with you anyway. I'll go look elsewhere.
Well, like Akurei said about lawyers and catfish and all that...
Grossberg: *grumble*... Think not.
Phoenix: Huh? Did you say something?
Grossberg: I think not, I said.
Phoenix: Wh-what do you mean?
Grossberg: I'm terribly, terribly sorry. But I'm afraid that no lawyer worth their salt will take on this particular case. Terribly sorry, m'boy.
Phoenix: Why!?
(Because, what with that painting, he looks like the type to be part of the Super Adventure Club...) (Monster! You didn't have to stoop so low!) "Have your friends collect your records and then change your number." ("I guess that I don't need that though...") "Now you're just somebody that I used to know!" (Bu-but...why must you two break out into song for the stupidest of reasons!?)
Grossberg: I... I cannot say. ...I beg your pardon, but could you leave? Now? I've nothing more to discuss with you.
Phoenix: (What's going on here!?)
Well, since we were not actually kicked out of the office, let's go on to the next topic: "Mia".
Phoenix: How did you know Mia Fey...?
Grossberg: ...She... worked here. A long time ago. Quite the apprentice, that one. Learned my techniques in the blink of an eye! She left one day, quite suddenly... She had a mission, you see.
Phoenix: A "mission"?
Grossberg: You could see it in her eyes. She followed it with a burning passion. Never looked back, that one.
And now, for the last topic... (That smelly-smelly painting...)
Phoenix: That's... quite a painting.
Grossberg: Ahah! You noticed!
Kind of hard to 'not' notice it. I bet you call smell it all the way in Night Vale...
Grossberg: It's my pride and joy! Impressive, isn't it? Well? ISN'T IT? The color of the sky! The hue of the sea! The weave of the straw hat! It's worth at least three million. I have no intention of parting with it, of course. No, I won't sell it! Not even to you!
I don't want it. (I'd rather chuck that thing into Radon Canyon! Or throw it into the Dog Park...)
Phoenix: (I wasn't interested....)
Grossberg: It's not for sale!
Yeah! We heard you already!
Phoenix: I'm not buying! (Geez!)
Well, time to break the bad news... ("Next time on Breaking Bad...!") (You two don't even watch that show!) ...to Maya at the...
Phoenix: Hiya.
Maya: Oh! You're back! Did you find the lawyer?
Phoenix: Um... well... (What do I tell her?) Well, see... (Just be honest!) I... I really don't think you should use that guy. He... didn't seem healthy. He was all skin and bones!
(So much for being honest...)
Maya: ...What really happened?
Phoenix: ...
Maya: You don't mean... He refused to help?
Hit the nail on the head.
Phoenix: Urp.
(Good onion.)
Maya: ...I see. I've been abandoned, then.
Well, ain't that a sledgehammer straight to the heart. (Let's ask her questions anyway! Topics are "The day of the crime" and "Your family"...Oh! Is the "Kill your family show" on yet?) Fine, "The day of the crime" first...
Phoenix: Could you tell me about the day of the murder? Sorry... I know it must be hard.
Maya: No, it's okay. All I've been doing the last few hours is talking about it. I've kind of gotten used to it... Let's see... that morning, I got a call from my sister. She wanted me to hold on to a piece of evidence for an upcoming trial.
Phoenix: (That's "The Thinker" clock that Larry made. It practically qualifies as a serial murderer by now.) So then, when did you arrive at the office?
Maya: Is was right around 9:00. The lights were off and... I could smell blood. Th-then I found her. My sister...
Phoenix: Thanks, Maya. That's all I need to hear for now.
And now... (Let's hear about your family.)
Phoenix: What about your family?
Maya: I only had my sister. My father died when I was very young. And I don't know where my mother is.
Phoenix: (Don't know...? So she could still be alive?)
And a new conversation topic... (I know where this is going to go...) ..."Your mother"... ("..is so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.", "...is so fat, when she wore high heels, she struck oil." also...) (I think that's quite enough of that!)
Maya: The women in my family have been mediums for generations. They say that E.S.P. runs in our blood. About fifteen years ago, our family was involved in an... incident. There was a man, and he... he...
(Oh, I know about 'that' incident. "A defense attorney is killed in cold blood, now his son returns...for revenge!" Just kidding! Or am I...? Muhahahaha!) I won't click on the link in Akurei's dialogue, unless you're okay with reading spoilers.
Maya: He ruined our mother's life.
Phoenix: ("Ruined"...?)
Maya: After that, she disappeared. Several years after that, my sister announced she would "become a lawyer" and she left the mountain.
Phoenix: ...So, you live by yourself?
Maya: Yes. I've gotten used to it. Oh, also... I had to become independent, or I would lose my E.S.P.!
Phoenix: (I feel bad for her, all by herself up on that mountain...)
And there's another new topic, "Your mother's enemy"...
Phoenix: So, who was this man who, um, "ruined" your mother?
Maya: About 15 years ago...there was an unusual murder case. It made quite a stir, everyone was talking about it, apparently. The police were running out of leads, and they were getting desperate...
Phoenix: Wait... they didn't use a spirit medium, did they?
Maya: The police convinced my mother to try to contact the victim.
Phoenix: Wow... So, what happened?
Maya: The case was solved... we thought.
Phoenix: You "thought"...?
Maya: The man my mother helped the police capture was innocent.
(Well, even when they're dead, humans are not all knowing.)
Phoenix: ...!
Maya: The police's consultation with a medium had all been carried out in secret, of course. But... A man found out about it and leaked it to the press. He told all the papers that my mother was a fraud, and the media jumped on it big time. She.. my mother... became the laughing stock of the nation.
Phoenix: I see.
I know it's kind of late to do this, since I haven't done this the times this happened previously, but... *starts to roll on the floor while laughing* (Huh... Why are you doing that? You're being rather rude!) Sorry, it's that in the original Japanese version, Phoenix Wright's name was "Ryuichi Naruhodo" which sounds like the Japanese word "naruhodou" or "I see." (Yeah, you just ruined your so-called "joke".)
Maya: ...White...
Phoenix: Excuse me? White?
Maya: That was his name. My sister told me.
Phoenix: White? Hmm...
Maya: Just a little longer now before the state-appointed lawyer comes, I guess...
Phoenix: ... (4:00 PM. Time's up. What should I do? Do I just leave her and go home...?)
-Go home-
-Defend Maya-
(*choo-choo!*) Well put, Akurei.
Phoenix: I've made up my mind! I'm going to defend you whether you want me to or not!
Maya: ! Why?
(Because, you're too important to this series to leave your fate up to some state-appointed nobody!) Okay, that's a bit too much meta-gaming there...
Phoenix: Why? Well...
-I can't abandon you-
-Someone else is the culprit-
-I don't know why-
...but you do have a point there, her sister and her father are dead while her mother disappeared and the attorney she trusted turned his back on her. So, Maya, we will stand by her side and we'll... ("Never gonna give you up!") "Never gonna let you down!" ("Never gonna run around and desert you.") "Never gonna make you cry" ("Never gonna say goodbye") (And...these two clowns just Rick Rolled you... *sigh* I swear, I'm never gonna get these two to behave like normal people...)
Phoenix: ... (No one is as sad as a person without any friends.)
After all, "friendship is magic"!
Phoenix: (I know... I've been there. A long time ago. Why did I become a lawyer in the first place...? Because someone has to look out for the people who have no one on their side.) Maya... I won't abandon you. You can count on me.
Maya: ... That's so kind of you... *sniff*... ...
An undetermined amount of time later...
Phoenix: Well! Let's fight this one and get you out of here!
Maya: R-right! Thank you!
Phoenix: (Whew, she smiled at last. She looks like an entirely different person!) One last question... You are innocent, right?
Maya: Yes! And I trust you... So you trust me, too, okay?
Phoenix: It's a deal. (So, what next... There's something that's been bugging me... Just what was inside that strange woman's drawer? It was when I tried to look into the drawer that she got all defensive.)
Not to mention that she didn't say anything about us looking at the window or the table...
Phoenix: (There has to be something in there!)
You mean besides, possibly, underwear? Oh well... (...assuming there is underwear in there...) ..."Panty raid!" (You have got to be joking...) Yes. (To the Gatewater Hotel! Away!)
Bellboy: Good afternoon, sir!
Phoenix: Excuse me, you are...?
Bellboy: Ah, I beg your pardon, sir! I am the bellboy of this establishment, at your service, sir.
Phoenix: Oh, right.
Bellboy: I've just come up to deliver room service, sir.
Phoenix: Um... do you know where Miss May might be?
Bellboy: Ah. I believe our guest Miss May is currently using the, er, facilities...? If you've no need of anything, I'll be taking my leave. Please, stay as long as you like. Enjoy...
Phoenix: Yeah...
(This guy is kind of creepy...)
Phoenix: Wait... no! Hey!
(Great, you scared the bellhop away.)
Phoenix: ... (Why does it seem like every time I come here, I end up embarrassing myself? Wait... now's my chance to snoop around a bit!)
"Snooping as usual, I see..." (Now you're doing a reference to YouTube Poop as well! *sits in corner of woe*)
Bellboy: Ah, I almost forgot!
Phoenix: Gah! Y-you came back quick!
(...)
Bellboy: Might I ask you to inform Miss May that there is a message for her? Please tell her that Mr. White, of Bluecorp phoned.
Phoenix: Oh, right. Sure. (Mr. White... of Bluecorp? Where have I heard that name?)
*looks up*
Maya: White...That was his name. My sister told me.
That's the name that Maya heard from Mia, of course! (You had to look up before you could answer that...)
Phoenix: ("White" was the name of the guy who ruined Mia and Maya's mother! Could it be a coincidence?)
Or...conspiracy! (You know you've lived in Night Vale too long when...) Oh well, time to search that drawer!
Phoenix: There's a screwdriver sticking out of that half-open drawer. Now's my chance to see what's inside! ...! What do we have here! A... wiretap? Hmm! What would a woman like her be doing with a thing like this?
'Wiretap added to the Court Record.'
'Found in Miss May's hotel room.'
Phoenix: There is definitely something suspicious about this "Miss May"! Why would she have something like this in her hotel room? There's a story behind all this, I know it! Alright... I'll be using this bit of evidence in tomorrow's trial, that's for sure. For Maya's sake... I'll get to this woman's bottom! Wait... I mean... you know what I mean.
(Wink-wink, nudge-nudge...) (That's four dollars for the reference jar!)
April: Oh, bellboy...? Still there?
Phoenix: (Uh oh, time to scram! I look forward to tangoing with you tomorrow, Miss May! In court!)
'To be continued.'
-----------------------------------------------
Which means that...his own future self is the one he pities... (See you next time... In court! Literally.) (Don't forget the reference jar!)
Monty Python Reference Jar
Akurei: $4
Grossberg: I... I cannot say. ...I beg your pardon, but could you leave? Now? I've nothing more to discuss with you.
Phoenix: (What's going on here!?)
Well, since we were not actually kicked out of the office, let's go on to the next topic: "Mia".
Phoenix: How did you know Mia Fey...?
Grossberg: ...She... worked here. A long time ago. Quite the apprentice, that one. Learned my techniques in the blink of an eye! She left one day, quite suddenly... She had a mission, you see.
Phoenix: A "mission"?
Grossberg: You could see it in her eyes. She followed it with a burning passion. Never looked back, that one.
And now, for the last topic... (That smelly-smelly painting...)
Phoenix: That's... quite a painting.
Grossberg: Ahah! You noticed!
Kind of hard to 'not' notice it. I bet you call smell it all the way in Night Vale...
Grossberg: It's my pride and joy! Impressive, isn't it? Well? ISN'T IT? The color of the sky! The hue of the sea! The weave of the straw hat! It's worth at least three million. I have no intention of parting with it, of course. No, I won't sell it! Not even to you!
I don't want it. (I'd rather chuck that thing into Radon Canyon! Or throw it into the Dog Park...)
Phoenix: (I wasn't interested....)
Grossberg: It's not for sale!
Yeah! We heard you already!
Phoenix: I'm not buying! (Geez!)
Well, time to break the bad news... ("Next time on Breaking Bad...!") (You two don't even watch that show!) ...to Maya at the...
September 6, 3:42 PM
Detention Center
Visitor's Room
Phoenix: Hiya.
Maya: Oh! You're back! Did you find the lawyer?
Phoenix: Um... well... (What do I tell her?) Well, see... (Just be honest!) I... I really don't think you should use that guy. He... didn't seem healthy. He was all skin and bones!
(So much for being honest...)
Maya: ...What really happened?
Phoenix: ...
Maya: You don't mean... He refused to help?
Hit the nail on the head.
Phoenix: Urp.
(Good onion.)
Maya: ...I see. I've been abandoned, then.
Well, ain't that a sledgehammer straight to the heart. (Let's ask her questions anyway! Topics are "The day of the crime" and "Your family"...Oh! Is the "Kill your family show" on yet?) Fine, "The day of the crime" first...
Phoenix: Could you tell me about the day of the murder? Sorry... I know it must be hard.
Maya: No, it's okay. All I've been doing the last few hours is talking about it. I've kind of gotten used to it... Let's see... that morning, I got a call from my sister. She wanted me to hold on to a piece of evidence for an upcoming trial.
Phoenix: (That's "The Thinker" clock that Larry made. It practically qualifies as a serial murderer by now.) So then, when did you arrive at the office?
Maya: Is was right around 9:00. The lights were off and... I could smell blood. Th-then I found her. My sister...
Phoenix: Thanks, Maya. That's all I need to hear for now.
And now... (Let's hear about your family.)
Phoenix: What about your family?
Maya: I only had my sister. My father died when I was very young. And I don't know where my mother is.
Phoenix: (Don't know...? So she could still be alive?)
And a new conversation topic... (I know where this is going to go...) ..."Your mother"... ("..is so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.", "...is so fat, when she wore high heels, she struck oil." also...) (I think that's quite enough of that!)
Maya: The women in my family have been mediums for generations. They say that E.S.P. runs in our blood. About fifteen years ago, our family was involved in an... incident. There was a man, and he... he...
(Oh, I know about 'that' incident. "A defense attorney is killed in cold blood, now his son returns...for revenge!" Just kidding! Or am I...? Muhahahaha!) I won't click on the link in Akurei's dialogue, unless you're okay with reading spoilers.
Maya: He ruined our mother's life.
Phoenix: ("Ruined"...?)
Maya: After that, she disappeared. Several years after that, my sister announced she would "become a lawyer" and she left the mountain.
Phoenix: ...So, you live by yourself?
Maya: Yes. I've gotten used to it. Oh, also... I had to become independent, or I would lose my E.S.P.!
Phoenix: (I feel bad for her, all by herself up on that mountain...)
And there's another new topic, "Your mother's enemy"...
Phoenix: So, who was this man who, um, "ruined" your mother?
Maya: About 15 years ago...there was an unusual murder case. It made quite a stir, everyone was talking about it, apparently. The police were running out of leads, and they were getting desperate...
Phoenix: Wait... they didn't use a spirit medium, did they?
Maya: The police convinced my mother to try to contact the victim.
Phoenix: Wow... So, what happened?
Maya: The case was solved... we thought.
Phoenix: You "thought"...?
Maya: The man my mother helped the police capture was innocent.
(Well, even when they're dead, humans are not all knowing.)
Phoenix: ...!
Maya: The police's consultation with a medium had all been carried out in secret, of course. But... A man found out about it and leaked it to the press. He told all the papers that my mother was a fraud, and the media jumped on it big time. She.. my mother... became the laughing stock of the nation.
Phoenix: I see.
I know it's kind of late to do this, since I haven't done this the times this happened previously, but... *starts to roll on the floor while laughing* (Huh... Why are you doing that? You're being rather rude!) Sorry, it's that in the original Japanese version, Phoenix Wright's name was "Ryuichi Naruhodo" which sounds like the Japanese word "naruhodou" or "I see." (Yeah, you just ruined your so-called "joke".)
Maya: ...White...
Phoenix: Excuse me? White?
Maya: That was his name. My sister told me.
Phoenix: White? Hmm...
Maya: Just a little longer now before the state-appointed lawyer comes, I guess...
Phoenix: ... (4:00 PM. Time's up. What should I do? Do I just leave her and go home...?)
-Go home-
-Defend Maya-
(*choo-choo!*) Well put, Akurei.
Phoenix: I've made up my mind! I'm going to defend you whether you want me to or not!
Maya: ! Why?
(Because, you're too important to this series to leave your fate up to some state-appointed nobody!) Okay, that's a bit too much meta-gaming there...
Phoenix: Why? Well...
-I can't abandon you-
-Someone else is the culprit-
-I don't know why-
...but you do have a point there, her sister and her father are dead while her mother disappeared and the attorney she trusted turned his back on her. So, Maya, we will stand by her side and we'll... ("Never gonna give you up!") "Never gonna let you down!" ("Never gonna run around and desert you.") "Never gonna make you cry" ("Never gonna say goodbye") (And...these two clowns just Rick Rolled you... *sigh* I swear, I'm never gonna get these two to behave like normal people...)
Phoenix: ... (No one is as sad as a person without any friends.)
After all, "friendship is magic"!
Phoenix: (I know... I've been there. A long time ago. Why did I become a lawyer in the first place...? Because someone has to look out for the people who have no one on their side.) Maya... I won't abandon you. You can count on me.
Maya: ... That's so kind of you... *sniff*... ...
An undetermined amount of time later...
Phoenix: Well! Let's fight this one and get you out of here!
Maya: R-right! Thank you!
Phoenix: (Whew, she smiled at last. She looks like an entirely different person!) One last question... You are innocent, right?
Maya: Yes! And I trust you... So you trust me, too, okay?
Phoenix: It's a deal. (So, what next... There's something that's been bugging me... Just what was inside that strange woman's drawer? It was when I tried to look into the drawer that she got all defensive.)
Not to mention that she didn't say anything about us looking at the window or the table...
Phoenix: (There has to be something in there!)
You mean besides, possibly, underwear? Oh well... (...assuming there is underwear in there...) ..."Panty raid!" (You have got to be joking...) Yes. (To the Gatewater Hotel! Away!)
Bellboy: Good afternoon, sir!
Phoenix: Excuse me, you are...?
Bellboy: Ah, I beg your pardon, sir! I am the bellboy of this establishment, at your service, sir.
Phoenix: Oh, right.
Bellboy: I've just come up to deliver room service, sir.
Phoenix: Um... do you know where Miss May might be?
Bellboy: Ah. I believe our guest Miss May is currently using the, er, facilities...? If you've no need of anything, I'll be taking my leave. Please, stay as long as you like. Enjoy...
Phoenix: Yeah...
(This guy is kind of creepy...)
Phoenix: Wait... no! Hey!
(Great, you scared the bellhop away.)
Phoenix: ... (Why does it seem like every time I come here, I end up embarrassing myself? Wait... now's my chance to snoop around a bit!)
"Snooping as usual, I see..." (Now you're doing a reference to YouTube Poop as well! *sits in corner of woe*)
Bellboy: Ah, I almost forgot!
Phoenix: Gah! Y-you came back quick!
(...)
Bellboy: Might I ask you to inform Miss May that there is a message for her? Please tell her that Mr. White, of Bluecorp phoned.
Phoenix: Oh, right. Sure. (Mr. White... of Bluecorp? Where have I heard that name?)
*looks up*
Maya: White...That was his name. My sister told me.
That's the name that Maya heard from Mia, of course! (You had to look up before you could answer that...)
Phoenix: ("White" was the name of the guy who ruined Mia and Maya's mother! Could it be a coincidence?)
Or...conspiracy! (You know you've lived in Night Vale too long when...) Oh well, time to search that drawer!
Phoenix: There's a screwdriver sticking out of that half-open drawer. Now's my chance to see what's inside! ...! What do we have here! A... wiretap? Hmm! What would a woman like her be doing with a thing like this?
'Wiretap added to the Court Record.'
'Found in Miss May's hotel room.'
Phoenix: There is definitely something suspicious about this "Miss May"! Why would she have something like this in her hotel room? There's a story behind all this, I know it! Alright... I'll be using this bit of evidence in tomorrow's trial, that's for sure. For Maya's sake... I'll get to this woman's bottom! Wait... I mean... you know what I mean.
(Wink-wink, nudge-nudge...) (That's four dollars for the reference jar!)
April: Oh, bellboy...? Still there?
Phoenix: (Uh oh, time to scram! I look forward to tangoing with you tomorrow, Miss May! In court!)
'To be continued.'
-----------------------------------------------
Which means that...his own future self is the one he pities... (See you next time... In court! Literally.) (Don't forget the reference jar!)
Monty Python Reference Jar
Akurei: $4
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