September 7, 10:00 AM
District Court
Courtroom No. 1
The crowd chatters amongst themselves and the Judge bangs his gavel against his desk.
Judge: The court is now in session for the trial of Ms. Maya Fey.
Edgeworth: The prosecution is ready, Your Honor.
(Well, isn't he Mr. Fancy Pants...)
Phoenix: The defense is ready, Your Honor. (Miles Edgeworth...I'd better not show any signs of weakness today, or he'll be on me in an instant.)
(If you know what I mean. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.) (And that's eight dollars for the reference jar...Ew! Gross!)
Judge: Mr. Edgeworth. Please give the court your opening statement.
Edgeworth: Thank you, Your Honor. The defendant, Ms. Maya Fey, was at the scene of the crime. The prosecution has evidence she committed this murder...and we have a witness who saw her do it. The prosecution sees no reason to doubt the facts of this case, Your Honor.
Judge: I see. Thank you, Mr. Edgeworth. Let's begin then.
Edgeworth: You may call your first witness.
(That doesn't look right, shouldn't the Judge be saying that?) Well, that's what the in-game text says. Whatever.
Edgeworth: The prosecution calls the chief officer at the scene, Detective Gumshoe!
And now Detective Gumshoe has been brought to the stand.
Edgeworth: Witness, please state your name and profession to the court.
Gumshoe: Sir! My name's Dick Gumshoe, sir! I'm the detective in charge of homicides down at the precinct, sir!
Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe. Please, describe for us the details of this murder.
Gumshoe: Very well, sir! Let me use this floor map of the office to explain. The body was found by this window, here.
Edgeworth: And the cause of death?
Gumshoe: Loss of blood due to being struck by a blunt object, sir! The murder weapon was a statue of "The Thinker" found next to the body, sir! It was heavy enough to be a deadly weapon, even in a girl's hands, sir!
Judge: The court accepts the statue as evidence.
Phoenix: (They're still calling it a "statue"...)
'Floor plans added to the Court Record.'
'The murder scene, the Fey & Co. Law Offices. Touch the Check Button for details.'
Edgeworth: Now, Detective...
Gumshoe: Y-yes sir!
Edgeworth: You immediately arrested Ms. Maya Fey, who was found at the scene, correct? Can you tell me why?
Gumeshoe: Yes sir! I had hard evidence she did it, sir!
Judge: Hmm. Detective Gumshoe. Please testify to the court about this "hard evidence."
Witness Testimony
-- Maya Fey's Arrest --
Gumshoe: As soon as the phone call came in, I rushed to the scene!
Gumshoe: There were two people there already:
Gumshoe: The defendant, Ms. Maya Fey, and the lawyer, Mr. Phoenix Wright.
Gumshoe: I immediately arrested Ms. Maya Fey!
Gumshoe: Why? We had a witness account describing her!
Gumshoe: The witness saw Ms. Maya Fey at the very moment of the murder!
Judge: Hmm... The very moment, you say. Very well. Mr. Wright, you may begin your cross-examination.
Phoenix: Y-yes, Your Honor. (Cross-examine what...? I couldn't see a single contradiction in that testimony...)
'...whoosh...SMACK!'
Phoenix: (Hey! Maya just threw something at me...What's this? "When my sister couldn't find any contradictions in a witness's testimony she would bluff it and press the witness on every detail! The witness always slips up and says something wrong...It worked lots of times!" I should have expected Maya would know some of her sister's tricks!)
(And...Mia's even giving us tutorials from beyond the grave.)
Phoenix: (Alright. Let's give this a try!)
Judge: Something the matter?
So you didn't notice something being thrown to the defense lawyer...IN YOUR OWN COURTROOM!? (What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? For the answer, look at the title of this post.)
Phoenix: No, Your Honor. I'd like to begin my cross-examination.
Cross-examination
-- Maya Fey's Arrest --
Gumshoe: As soon as the phone call came in, I rushed to the scene!
I think you can guess I'm going to be shouting "Hold it!" for every statement here, so no need to repeat myself.
Phoenix: Who did you say you got a call from?
Gumshoe: Hey pal, don't play dumb! You know who!
And just what does Voldemort have anything to do with the price of tea in China?
Gumshoe: The call was from a customer at the Gatewater Hotel, right across from the crime scene!
Phoenix: (Hmm... okay, I pressed. Not sure it did much, though.) Right. Please continue.
(We'll squeeze some contradiction lemonade out of this testimony lemon soon enough...)
Gumshoe: There were two people there already:
Phoenix: Detective Gumshoe, how long would you say it took, between you receiving the call, and your arrival at the scene of the crime?
Gumshoe: Hmm, right... I'd say it was about 3 minutes!
Phoenix: Th-that's pretty fast!
Gumshoe: Our motto this month is "quick response"!
(Shouldn't you be quickly responding to crime reports...[sarcasm] oh, I don't know [/sarcasm]...ALL THE TIME!?)
Gumshoe: That's how I got there before the killer got away!
Edgeworth: Indeed! So, tell us who the two people you found on the scene were.
Gumshoe: Yes sir!
Gumshoe: The defendant, Ms. Maya Fey, and the lawyer, Mr. Phoenix Wright.
Phoenix: Are you absolutely sure it was us?
Gumshoe: Listen pal, your dumb act will only get you so far! With her funky hippie clothes and your spiky hair? To two stand out like...like suspicious people at a crime scene!
Kind of a bit "shaped like itself" much?
Phoenix: (Well... he does have a point about her. She is pretty unmistakable. I should pick my points to press with a little more care...)
Gumshoe: I immediately arrested Ms. Maya Fey!
Phoenix: Why's that? What's your reason?
Gumshoe: Why? We had a witness account describing her!
Phoenix: Hold on just one second!
Gumshoe: Y-yeah?
Phoenix: If I heard correctly... You said you arrested her because you had "hard evidence" she did it, correct?
Gumshoe: Huh? Did... did I say that? Me?
Phoenix: I heard you say it.
Judge: You did said it.
Edgeworth: You said it.
Phoenix: Exactly what about this suspicious woman in pink's claim was "hard evidence"!?
Gumshoe: Wh-what!? Miss May isn't suspicious, and she sure isn't pink, pal!
The detective then scratches the back of his head.
Gumshoe: W-well, i guess she is pink...
Judge: That's enough, Detective Gumshoe. Do you have any more solid proof other than her claims, Detective?
Gumshoe: Umm...
Phoenix: (Hmm! I guess pressing can have its advantages!)
Gumshoe: ...Yes.
Phoenix: (Gah!)
Gumshoe: Sorry, I got the order of things mixed up in my testimony, Your Honor Sir! There was something I should have told you about first, Your Honor!
Judge: Very well, Detective. Let's hear your testimony again.
Witness Testimony
-- Hard Evidence --
Gumshoe: After securing the suspect, I examined the scene of the crime with my own eyes.
Gumshoe: I found a memo written on a piece of paper next to the victim's body!
Gumshoe: On it, the word "Maya" was written clearly in blood!
Gumshoe: Lab test results showed that the blood was the victims's!
Gumshoe: Also, there was blood found on the victim's finger!
Gumshoe: Before she died, the victim wrote the killer's name!
The crowd chatters again and the Judge bangs his gavel on his desk to silence them.
Gumshoe: How you like that? That's my "hard evidence"!
Judge: Hmm... Before we begin cross-examination, I have a question for you, Detective.
Gumshoe: Y-Your Honor?
Judge: Why didn't you testify about this vital piece of evidence the first time!?
I can think of a reason, he was distracted by the sexy lady.
The Detective scratches the back of his head again.
Gumshoe: Ah... eh... I know. I'm real embarrassed I forgot about it, Your Honor Sir.
Judge: Try to be more careful! Very well, the defense may begin its cross-examination.
Cross-examination
-- Hard Evidence --
Gumshoe: After securing the suspect, I examined the scene of the crime with my own eyes.
Gumshoe: I found a memo written on a piece of paper next to the victim's body!
Gumshoe: On it, the word "Maya" was written clearly in blood!
Gumshoe: Lab test results showed that the blood was the victims's!
Gumshoe: Also, there was blood found on the victim's finger!
Gumshoe: Before she died, the victim wrote the killer's name!
That's rather strange...I'm sorry, Detective, but I'm afraid you're going to have to "Hold it!"
Phoenix: Detective Gumshoe! Do you get a lot of cases where the victim actually writes the killer's name?
Gumshoe: Sure! It happens all the time n books and the movies!
Phoenix: This isn't a movie, Detective.
(Damn straight! This is a visual novel! In other words, a video game!)
Gumshoe: Oof!
Phoenix: Let's talk about reality, shall we?
Gumshoe: Umm... I guess, I haven't heard of many cases... no.
Phoenix: Don't you find it a little odd that the victim would write down a name? Especially the name of her own sister?
Gumshoe: Ah, yeah, actually, you got a point, pal.
Edgeworth: "Objection!" Stop right there.
Edgeworth holds his hands out, shrugging while shaking his head.
Edgeworth: The witness's opinion on the matter is irrelevant! The facts are clear: the victim wrote down the name of the accused... The victim told us the name of her killer!
The crowd chatters, yet again, and then Judge bangs his gavel on his desk.
Judge: Order! Order!
Phoenix: (That didn't go so well...)
Gumshoe: Th-that's right! What he said!
Gumshoe: Before she died, the victim wrote the killer's name!
Let me check the court record... in the Autopsy Report is says... Ah ha! I've got something for you! An... "Objection!"
Phoenix: Detective Gumshoe! There's one thing I want you to clarify for me here. You say that the victim, Mia Fey, wrote this note. That she was accusing the defendant, Maya Fey? That's really what you're saying?
Gumshoe: Wh-what? This isn't one of those lawyer tricks, now, is it? Of course she wrote it! Who else could have!?
(Well, the actual murder, for one...) You know, as a red herring.
Phoenix: You have it backwards, Detective.
Gumshoe: B-backwards?
Phoenix: The victim is the only person who absolutely could NOT have written it! This is a report from your department, Detective. "Immediate death due to a blow from a blunt object." She died immediately!
Gumshoe: But...!
Phoenix: No "but"-ing your way out of this one, Detective!
The crowd breaks out into chatter...for the *looks up* fourth time, then the Judge hits his desk with his gavel and calls for...
Judge: Order! Order! The defense has a point. Someone who died immediately wouldn't have the time to write anything down.
Edgeworth: "Objection!" Mr. Wright. I beg your pardon, but when exactly did you obtain that autopsy report?
Phoenix: Wh-when...!?
-The day of the murder-
-The day after the murder-
-I forget-
Well, that would be...
Phoenix: It was the day after the murder...
Judge: The prosecution's point being...?
Edgeworth wags his right pointer finger while holding in front of his face.
Edgeworth: That autopsy report is outdated, Your Honor.
Phoenix: Wh-what!?
Edgeworth: A second autopsy was performed yesterday, at my request! "Death was almost immediate due to a blow from a blunt object...But there is a possibility the victim lived for several minutes after the blow." I received these results this morning.
That was...oddly specific... (I'm calling bull**** on this!)
Phoenix: N-no way!
Edgeworth: Your Honor! It's quite easy to imagine that the victim did have time to write "Maya"!
Edgeworth bows.
Edgeworth: That is all.
Judge: I see!
Phoenix: (Damn you, Edgeworth! I should have known you'd have something up your sleeve!)
He does know that saying refers to an illegal move in a poker game, right? (As in, "hiding an extra ace card of any of the four suits up your sleeve so you can sneak it into the game", I sure hope he knows that.) (Why?) (It'll be relevant someday...)
Edgewoth: Why, Mr. Wright, you look shocked! Something you want to say?
-You're a sham, Edgeworth!-
-The detective's a sham!-
-I'm a sham!-
(I definately know we're not picking that last one.) Besides, we know who the real sham here is...
Phoenix: Mr. Edgeworth... I've heard there's nothing you won't do to get your verdict...
Mr. Wright slams his hands on his desk then points, presumably at Edgeworth...
Phoenix: What reason could you possibly have had to request a second autopsy report?
Judge: Mr. Wright! The defense will refrain from personal attacks on the prosecution!
Edgeworth wags his right pointer finger while holding in front of his face.
Edgeworth: No matter, Your Honor... Mr. Wright. Say what you will, the evidence in this report is undeniable. Your Honor, I submit this report to the court.
Judge: U-understood. The court accepts the evidence.
'Autopsy Report updated in the Court Record.'
'Died from a blow by a blunt object. May have lived for a few minutes after being hit.'
Edgeworth: Well, Your Honor? The evidence strongly suggests the victim was identifying the killer.
Judge: I suppose that's the obvious conclusion, yes.
Edgeworth bows again. (Almost as though he was saying "check and...mate!")
Phoenix: (Darn! This isn't good!)
Edgeworth: The prosecution would like to call its next witness. This poor, innocent girl saw the murder with her own eyes!
The crowd chatters... (Fifth time so far!) and the Judge uses his gavel...
Judge: Let the witness Miss April May take the stand.
(And now, it's time to pity the fool. And by "fool" I mean "Mr. Phoenix Wright".)
Phoenix: (Exactly what part of her is "innocent"...?)
That she's innocent of the crime of killing Mia Fey. (Of everything else, she's guilty as sin... because she's quite possibly one of, if not the, most sinful woman ever!) Our resident sex-negative, right-wing, fundamentalist, so called "Christian"; ladies and gentlemen.
Edgeworth: Witness, your name, please.
(Something tells me she's going to interpret that as an attempt to hit on her...)
April: April May! At your service! *wink*
([sarcasm] Why am I not surprised...? [/sarcasm])
And...well, take it away Your Honor!
Judge: Order! An introduction should not require any reaction from the crowd! The witness will refrain from wonton winking!
April Aww... Yes, Your Honor.
Phoenix: (This is not good... She's already captured the heart of every man in the court!)
Not this one! (I know what does she think she is...) (A blonde republican sex kitten?) Except that her hair is technically P-AI-NK! (Was that supposed to be a stylised version of the word "pink"?!)
Edgeworth: Tell us, where were you on the night of September 5, when the murder occurred?
April: Um... gee... I was, like, in my hotel room? Tee hee. I checked in right after lunch.
Edgeworth: And this hotel is directly across from the Fey & Co. Law Offices?
April: Mmm... that's right, big boy.
Judge: Please testify to the court about what you saw.
Gumshoe: Wh-what? This isn't one of those lawyer tricks, now, is it? Of course she wrote it! Who else could have!?
(Well, the actual murder, for one...) You know, as a red herring.
Phoenix: You have it backwards, Detective.
Gumshoe: B-backwards?
Phoenix: The victim is the only person who absolutely could NOT have written it! This is a report from your department, Detective. "Immediate death due to a blow from a blunt object." She died immediately!
Gumshoe: But...!
Phoenix: No "but"-ing your way out of this one, Detective!
The crowd breaks out into chatter...for the *looks up* fourth time, then the Judge hits his desk with his gavel and calls for...
Judge: Order! Order! The defense has a point. Someone who died immediately wouldn't have the time to write anything down.
Edgeworth: "Objection!" Mr. Wright. I beg your pardon, but when exactly did you obtain that autopsy report?
Phoenix: Wh-when...!?
-The day of the murder-
-The day after the murder-
-I forget-
Well, that would be...
Phoenix: It was the day after the murder...
Judge: The prosecution's point being...?
Edgeworth wags his right pointer finger while holding in front of his face.
Edgeworth: That autopsy report is outdated, Your Honor.
Phoenix: Wh-what!?
Edgeworth: A second autopsy was performed yesterday, at my request! "Death was almost immediate due to a blow from a blunt object...But there is a possibility the victim lived for several minutes after the blow." I received these results this morning.
That was...oddly specific... (I'm calling bull**** on this!)
Phoenix: N-no way!
Edgeworth: Your Honor! It's quite easy to imagine that the victim did have time to write "Maya"!
Edgeworth bows.
Edgeworth: That is all.
Judge: I see!
Phoenix: (Damn you, Edgeworth! I should have known you'd have something up your sleeve!)
He does know that saying refers to an illegal move in a poker game, right? (As in, "hiding an extra ace card of any of the four suits up your sleeve so you can sneak it into the game", I sure hope he knows that.) (Why?) (It'll be relevant someday...)
Edgewoth: Why, Mr. Wright, you look shocked! Something you want to say?
-You're a sham, Edgeworth!-
-The detective's a sham!-
-I'm a sham!-
(I definately know we're not picking that last one.) Besides, we know who the real sham here is...
Phoenix: Mr. Edgeworth... I've heard there's nothing you won't do to get your verdict...
Mr. Wright slams his hands on his desk then points, presumably at Edgeworth...
Phoenix: What reason could you possibly have had to request a second autopsy report?
Judge: Mr. Wright! The defense will refrain from personal attacks on the prosecution!
Edgeworth wags his right pointer finger while holding in front of his face.
Edgeworth: No matter, Your Honor... Mr. Wright. Say what you will, the evidence in this report is undeniable. Your Honor, I submit this report to the court.
Judge: U-understood. The court accepts the evidence.
'Autopsy Report updated in the Court Record.'
'Died from a blow by a blunt object. May have lived for a few minutes after being hit.'
Edgeworth: Well, Your Honor? The evidence strongly suggests the victim was identifying the killer.
Judge: I suppose that's the obvious conclusion, yes.
Edgeworth bows again. (Almost as though he was saying "check and...mate!")
Phoenix: (Darn! This isn't good!)
Edgeworth: The prosecution would like to call its next witness. This poor, innocent girl saw the murder with her own eyes!
The crowd chatters... (Fifth time so far!) and the Judge uses his gavel...
Judge: Let the witness Miss April May take the stand.
(And now, it's time to pity the fool. And by "fool" I mean "Mr. Phoenix Wright".)
Phoenix: (Exactly what part of her is "innocent"...?)
That she's innocent of the crime of killing Mia Fey. (Of everything else, she's guilty as sin... because she's quite possibly one of, if not the, most sinful woman ever!) Our resident sex-negative, right-wing, fundamentalist, so called "Christian"; ladies and gentlemen.
Edgeworth: Witness, your name, please.
(Something tells me she's going to interpret that as an attempt to hit on her...)
April: April May! At your service! *wink*
([sarcasm] Why am I not surprised...? [/sarcasm])
And...well, take it away Your Honor!
Judge: Order! An introduction should not require any reaction from the crowd! The witness will refrain from wonton winking!
April Aww... Yes, Your Honor.
Phoenix: (This is not good... She's already captured the heart of every man in the court!)
Not this one! (I know what does she think she is...) (A blonde republican sex kitten?) Except that her hair is technically P-AI-NK! (Was that supposed to be a stylised version of the word "pink"?!)
Edgeworth: Tell us, where were you on the night of September 5, when the murder occurred?
April: Um... gee... I was, like, in my hotel room? Tee hee. I checked in right after lunch.
Edgeworth: And this hotel is directly across from the Fey & Co. Law Offices?
April: Mmm... that's right, big boy.
Judge: Please testify to the court about what you saw.
Witness Testimony
-- Witness's Account --
April: It was, like, 9:00 at night. I looked out the window, y'know!
April: And then, oooh! I saw a woman with long hair being attacked!
April: The one attacking her was the mousey girl sitting in the defendant's chair!
April: Then the woman, like, dodged to one side and ran away!
April: But that girl, she caught up to her and... and... She hit her!
April: Then the woman with the long hair...
April: She kinda... slumped.
April: The end. That's all I saw. Every little bitsy witsy! *wink*
Judge: Hmm...
Edgeworth: Well, Your Honor?
Well, I don't know... Don't you think the end of that last statement counts as "wonton winking"? Okay, I'm starting a "Wonton Winking Count" right now...
Wanton Wink Count: 1
Wanton Wink Count: 1
Judge: I see. It is a remarkably solid testimony. I don't see a need to trouble the witness any...
Phoenix: W-wait, Your Honor!
Judge: Yes, Mr. Wright?
Phoenix: What about my cross-examination!?
Judge: I thought the witness's testimony just now was quite... firm. Didn't you?
(Are you sure you're talking about her testimony and not her breasts?)
Edgeworth: Mr. Wright... I understand you were Ms. Mia Fey's understudy, were you not? You must know her techniques well. Her cowardly way of finding tiny faults in perfectly good testimonies...
Phoenix: H-hey! How dare you!
Judge: Well, Mr. Wright? Will you cross-examine the witness?
-Yes, I'm doing it-
-No thanks-
(All of us know where this is going...)
Phoenix: I'll gladly proceed with the cross-examination. (If only because I have a feeling Edgeworth doesn't want me to! She has to have some weakness!)
Judge: Very well, you may begin your cross-examination!
Cross-examination
-- Witness's Account --
April: It was, like, 9:00 at night. I looked out the window, y'know!
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: Why did you do that?
April: Huh? "Why?" Like, why what?
Phoenix: Why did you look out the window? Were you expecting to see something?
("Yes".)
April: Oh, well, um... gee!
Phoenix: (What? That's it? She can't get out of this question that easily!)
April: I sort of, y'know.
April leans her head to the side a bit and sticks her tongue out which somehow causes her breasts to jiggle.
April: I had a feeling!
Phoenix: (Well, I have a feeling she's trying to avoid the question! Maybe I should press a little harder on this one?)
-Go for it-
-Back down-
(Oh no! We never back down from a, legal, fight! That's just how we roll!)
Phoenix: (Let's see how far I can run with this...) Surely, you must have had a reason to look out your window at that time of the night!
April: I... oooh!
Edgeworth: Mr. Wright! I will not have you badgering my witness!
Phoenix: B-badgering?
(No Mr. Edgeworth! No! Now you've set up just the right bait for those two to...) ("Badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers!") "Mushroom, mushroom!" (...resurrect that stupid meme again.)
Edgeworth: You insist on needling her with these trivial questions.
Edgeworth slams his right hand on his desk.
Edgeworth: I really don't think it should be allowed.
Crowd: (Yeah! Yeah! Stop him!) (That poor girl!)
Judge: Order! Mr. Wright, you have been warned.
Phoenix: (Poor girl!? What about poor me!?)
Edgeworth: You looked out the window. What did you see next?
April: And then, oooh! I saw a woman with long hair being attacked!
April: The one attacking her was the mousey girl sitting in the defendant's chair!
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: How do you know she was the defendant?
April: Huh? Well... y'know! S-she had a girlish physique. Women know these things. Look... I-I just know, okay?
*facepalm* *sigh* ("Woman's Intuition" is not admissible in a court of law.)
Edgeworth: There was only one person at the scene of the crime with a short, girlish figure. The testimony is bulletproof, Your Honor.
(Okay, define "bulletproof"...)
Phoenix: (He's right...)
-Yep, he's right-
-I question the testimony-
(Duh! As a matter of fact, we should question ALL THE THINGS!)
Phoenix: Hold on a minute! That testimony stinks!
(Really!? That's the best word you could think of to describe it?!) Besides, what does it "stink" like? Cigarette smoke? Coffee? Mint? (Those last two items only smell bad to you!)
April: W-what!?
Phoenix: Miss May, I'm willing to bet that...
-You saw nothing-
-You're lying-
Well, when she looked though that window that night, she definitely saw something so...
Phoenix: Are you telling the truth? Did you really see the defendant!?
April: Urp!
The crowd kicks up a fuss and the Judge silences them...for the Nth time now.
Judge: Mr. Wright! What's the meaning of this?
April: Yes, what is the meaning! Somebody tell me because I'm clueless! About this, I mean!
Phoenix: Okay... If you had really witnessed my client, Maya Fey... You would have noticed her clothes before noticing her physique!
April: ...!
...with her hands up like cat paws, but with a false smile that's noticeably twitching.
Phoenix: No one wears clothes like this on a daily basis! Except her! And I'm no expert of fashion, but her hairdo looks far from normal to me! However, the witness's testimony mentions neither of these things!
Mr. Wright slams his hands on his desk.
Phoenix: The testimony is bogus!
April: But... but!
Judge: Still, we don't know if she was dressed that way the night of the murder...
(Oh yes we do!)
Phoenix: She was, Your Honor! I saw her. And so did Detective Gumshoe!
Mr. Wright slams his hands on his desk...again.
Phoenix: What do yo say to that, Miss May?
April: Rowr! What are you trying to say, you mean lawyer! I-I saw what I saw. I... just didn't think all the trifling little details were necessary, darling.
Judge: Miss May. The court would like to remind you to please omit nothing in your testimony.
April: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'll be a good girl. I promise. *wink*
All right there... Wonton Wink Count: 2
Judge: Your testimony again, if you would.
Phoenix: (Damn, I almost had her!)
Witness Testimony
-- Witness's Account --
Take 2...
April: I did see everything! I did!
April: The victim--the woman--dodged the first attack and ran off to the right.
April: Then the girl in the hippie clothes ran after her...
April: And she hit her with that weapon! I saw it! I did!
April: That... that clock! Um... the kinda statue-y clock? "The Thinker," I think?
April: Well? Does the accuracy of my report not startle you? Tee hee!
Judge: I... see. I only wish you had been so detailed from the beginning.
That's because if she had "been so detailed from the beginning" we would've found the holes in her testimony and unravelled it like a badly knitted sweater.
Judge: Please begin the cross-examination.
Now now there's going to be one more mess of yarn and one less sweater.
Cross-examination
-- Witness's Account --
April: I did see everything! I did!
April: The victim--the woman--dodged the first attack and ran off to the right.
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: Is that "right" as in your right, as you looked from the hotel?
April: Um... which hand do I hold my knife in again...? Right! It was my right hand! Right?
Edgeworth: Satisfied, Mr. Wright? Please continue.
*LOL* (*LOL*) (Are you two going to laugh like hyenas every time that pun comes up!?)
April: Then the girl in the hippie clothes ran after her...
April: And she hit her with that weapon! I saw it! I did!
April: That... that clock! Um... the kinda statue-y clock? "The Thinker," I think?
"Hold it!" That reminds me of something from the last case...
Phoenix: A... clock? (Didn't this come up in another testimony recently...?)
April: W-well? Don't look so sour, Mr. Lawyer. You can't win them all.
Phoenix: (No... but I have a feeling I'm on to something now!)
April: That... that clock! Um... the kinda statue-y clock? "The Thinker," I think?
And now that clock/statue discrepancy is going to bite you in the kerple with an..."Objection!"
Phoenix: Miss May. What you said just now was quite... revealing.
(Like your top!)
April: Revealing? Oooh, you'd like that, wouldn't you. Naughty Mr. Lawyer...
Phoenix: You just said that this statue of "The Thinker" was a clock. But there's no way of knowing that just by looking at it!
April: Urp!
April exclaims with her hands up like cat paws, but with a false smile that's noticeably twitching...again.
Phoenix: Another person in much the same position as you recently called this a "clock," too... And he was found guilty... of murder!
And, yet again, the Judge has to call for...
Judge: Order! Order!
Phoenix: Miss May. Can you explain how you know this was a clock?
(I can! *presents wiretap*)
April: Oooh.. urp!
(Still twitching I see...) The truth is just yearning to be set free, and yet she's trying to hold it down like a bad case of word vomit.
Edgeworth: "Objection!" The witness saw the murder with her own eyes! That's all that's important here!
Edgeworth slams his right hand on his desk.
Edgeworth: The defense is trying to confuse the issue with trivial concerns!
Judge: Yes... yes, of course. You will withdraw your question, Mr. Wright.
Phoenix: "Objection!" But questions are all I have, Your Honor! And as you may recall, I've caught murderers with theses questions before!
(Correction, you've caught "one murder" with those questions before. This is your second trial in court!)
Phoenix: (Well, only once...)
(See! Even Mr. Wright agrees with me!)
Judge: ... ...
The judge bangs his gavel on his desk.
Judge: Objection sustained. You may continue to question the witness.
Phoenix: (Whew, that was close. If he stopped me there, the trial would be over!)
April: Huh? What? So... what happens now?
Phoenix: What happens now is you answer my question! How did you know it was a clock?
April: What...! Th-that's... ...Because... I heard it?
(Was she in the audience of the last trial.) (Nope! Remember this! *wags wiretap in front of Niyagi's face*) (Get that out of my face before I destroy it!) Hey! That's valuable evidence! No destroying the evidence!
April: Yes! I heard it say the time!
Mr. Wright slams his hands on his desk.
Phoenix: So, you've been to the law offices of Fey & Co.!
April: N-n-no! Hey, I didn't say that! Why would I go there! I heard from my hotel room. Hee hee!
That clock would have to be louder than the screeching of my mom's cat. (But it's not.)
Edgeworth: The law offices of Fey & Co., where the murder took place, are very close to the hotel. She could easily have heard the clock!
(Liar, liar, pants on fire!)
Judge: Hmm. Well, Mr. Wright? Are you satisfied?
Phoenix shakes his head.
Phoenix: No, Your Honor! (I can't give up now!) I'm not satisfied because...
-She couldn't have heard it-
-It couldn't have rung-
I would've associated ringing with a telephone but...
Phoenix: Your Honor, members of the court...
Hi Phoenix! (And he once again slams his hands on that desk, honestly, I'm surprised it hasn't broken by now.)
Phoenix: It is inconceivable that the clock in question rang!
-It's empty-
-It's broken-
-The batteries are dead-
That one's easy, if you remember the opening scenes...
Phoenix: That clock is missing its clockwork!
The crowd chatters, the judge bangs his gavel on his desk three times, ya-da ya-da...
Judge: H-how could you possibly...?
Phoenix: Just have a look... As soon as you can!
Judge: ...Oh!
Phoenix: See anything interesting, Your Honor?
Judge: It is as the defense says! This clock is missing its clockwork! It's quite empty!
(Boy, is this court peanut gallery a huge chatter box!)
Judge: Mr. Wright! Would you care to explain to the court the meaning of this?
Phoenix: It is as you can see. The "clock" was empty. It couldn't have rung! Therefore, this witness...is a big, fat liar!
(Hey! She isn't fat!) But...that isn't aimed at you.
April: F-fat!?
Phoenix: Well, Miss May?
Edgeworth: Tsk tsk.
Phoenix: ?
(Just what kind of weasel words are you going to resort to this time, Edgeworth...?)
Edgeworth: Quite a show you've put on for us, Mr. Wright.
Phoenix: (He knew the clock was empty! Somehow... he knew!)
Edgeworth: I'm afraid you've forgotten one thing, however. Indeed, the clock is empty. As you say... it can't ring. However, we must ask: when was the clockwork removed? If it was after the witness heard the clock, then there is no contradiction!
Judge: ! Hmm! That's true. That is a possibility. The clock might have been emptied after she heard it.
(Wrong! That's impossible, outside of timey wimey ball temporal physics of course.)
Edgeworth: And that is exactly what happened, Your Honor!
Nope. Not even close.
Judge: Well, Mr. Wright? Can you prove when the clockwork was removed?
Edgeworth holds his hands out while shaking his head.
Edgeworth: Ho hoh! Impossible, of course...
(Oh, no...you've provided the perfect prompt for...) ("Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb! That's how Team Gurren rolls!") (...That.)
Phoenix: I have proof.
Edgeworth: W-what!?
Phoenix: Wasn't it you who told me "proof is everything"? Well, I was listening. And now I'll show you the "proof" you like so much! The evidence that proves when the clockwork was removed is...
(Maya's Cell Phone! Mother...truckers!) Good, at least Akurei is learning to control her language in non M-rated games. Still, Edgeworth..."Take that!"
Phoenix: Take a look at this!
Judge: Hmm. That's a very cute cell phone.
April: Ooh hoo! You have a girlie phone!
Dude, that's Maya's cell phone, not Phoenix's. Besides, even if it was his, that...doesn't...really...matter.
Phoenix: W-wait! Wait! This isn't my phone!
(Damn straight, it isn't!) (*ji...*) (What!? This game is rated T, not E!)
Phoenix: Listen! This is the defendant's cell phone, and it contains a recording... A recording of a conversation she had with the victim on the day of the murder!
(And the crowd's gossiping again...)
Judge: Order! Order!
Edgeworth: The defendant's cell phone!? Th-this wasn't brought to my attention!
Our prosecutor says with his hands on his desk and his eyes afflicted with Youngblood's Disease and shadows like he hadn't slept for far too long...
Phoenix: Perhaps Detective Gumshoe overlooked it?
("I'm looking
over...") ("A four-leafed clover"?) (No,
"My dead dog named 'Rover', that I overlooked before!")
Edgeworth: *grumble* (The good detective better remember he's up for evaluation soon...)
Phoenix: (My heart goes out to you, Edgeworth. Not.) Let's hear the conversation.
Cellular: *beep* ...
Maya: [So you just want me to hold on to "The Thinker" for you, then?]
Mia: [If you could. Ah... I should probably tell you, the clock isn't talking right now.]
Maya: [Huh? It's not working? That's lame!]
Mia: [I had to take the clockwork out, sorry.]
Cellular: ... [September 5, 9: 27 AM] *beep*
Phoenix: Your Honor, I think this recording makes it clear that the clockwork was already gone...
(Why slamming that desk so often...?)
Phoenix: and this was recorded in the morning, before the witness even arrived at her hotel!
April: Muh... muh... muh!?
Again with that twitchy mouth...
Phoenix: Well, Miss May? Would you care to explain this to the court? Just how did you know that weapon was a clock!?
April: ...W-well...! Well, isn't it o-obvious?
No, otherwise we wouldn't be asking.
April: I saw that clock before! Um... what store was that again? I-I go to so many! Oops! I forgot! *wink*
Wanton Wink Count: 3
Judge: So the witness had seen it before. That would make sense. Does the defense have any objections, Mr. Wright?
-Yes-
-No-
Of course we have and objection! You can't buy that at any store! (Believe me, this dude over here wants to.)
Phoenix: The witness claims she had "seen it before." But this directly contradicts a piece of evidence already submitted to this court!
Judge: Well then, let's see it. Please produce this evidence that will prove the witness had not seen the clock before.
Of course, Your Honor, that would be...The Thinker itself! "Take that!"
Phoenix: It's simple. This clock was never in any store, ever!
April: W-whaaat!?
Phoenix: A friend of mine made that clock. Only two exist in the world. And the one that isn't here is in police custody!
April: I-impossible! Everything is sold in stores!
Wrong! There's several things you can't buy...love, happiness, this blog...
Phoenix: Miss May, I think it's high time you went shopping for a better excuse...?
"Yeah!"
April: Mmpf...
Phoenix: Oh? Excuses not on sale today?
(Ooooo! Sick burn there.)
April: Oooh? Oh ho ho. Mmmrrrrph! Ooooorrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh... hhh!!!
And somehow that heart button that's the only thing stopping her outfit from having a wardrobe malfunction spins around so that it's upside down her eyes darken with shadows, oh and and April's breasts sag down a bit.
April: What's it to you, porcupine-head!? That stupid clock doesn't matter, okay!? She did it! And she should die for it! Die!
The crowd gets noisy again and the Judge declares...
Judge: W-w-whoa! Let's not get ahead of ourselves. T-this is a court of law, and the witness will remain calm!
April: Hrrrgh... hrrrh... Hrrr...
And then she recovers...back to the twitchy smile.
April: heh. Oh? Oh! Oh? Oh hoh ho! S-silly me! *grunt*
April: Did I, um, like... lose it?
Yeah, by now I expect it to be all the way in Timbuktu...
April: I guess I did. Tee hee! *wink*
Wanton Wink Count: 4
Phoenix: (S-scary...)
Crazy people in general are scary.
Judge: Miss May, let me ask. Tell me, how did you know the weapon was a clock?
And...the upside-down button is back...
April: ...
Judge: Hmm... oh dear. Does the defense have an opinion on this... behavior?
Phoenix: (Okay, this is it!) Yes, Your Honor. Allow me to explain how I see the truth of the matter. Miss April May, you knew the weapon was a clock because...
-You held it-
-You had heard about it-
The first option only works for the last case, so the only answer left is...
Phoenix: The witness had never held the clock in her hand! However, she had heard that it was a clock!
Judge: She "heard"...?
Phoenix: That is correct, Your Honor. There is no other way she could have know "The Thinker" was a clock! And I can show you the proof!
Judge: Well, this is interesting. Let's see it, then. She me evidence proving that the witness had "heard" the murder weapon was a clock.
And now we present... (That girlie cell phone again!) "Take that!"
Phoenix: The defendant's cell phone.
Judge: Yes, we've seen that already.
Phoenix: Take another listen to the conversation between the defendant and victim.
Cellular: *beep* ...
Maya: [Mia! What's up? You haven't called in a while.]
Mia: [Well, actually there's something I want you to hold on to for me.]
Maya: [Again? What is it this time?]
Mia: [It's... a clock. It's made to look like that statue, "The Thinker." And it tells you the time!]
Cellular: ...
Judge: The do mention "The Thinker." But how would the witness know of this conversation? Do you have proof that she knew of the conversation?
And now that wiretap is going to come in handy... (Hurray for illegal search and secure!) (I can't believe you just said that...) "Take that!"
Phoenix: Have a look at this.
April: Ah! Oooh! Th-that!? Eh heh...
Phoenix: I found this in Miss May's room.
(Well, of course this was going to raise a ruckus...)
Judge: Mr. Wright! Please explain to the court what this is!
("It's a crack baby, fool!") (Why did you have to do another Mr. T reference here!?) Besides, it's actually...
Phoenix: Miss April May!
No, not that!
Phoenix: You used a wiretap to listen to this conversation!
And that's what I was aiming for!
Phoenix: That's how you knew "The Thinker" was a clock!
And there's more hands slamming on desks.
Phoenix: Am I wrong!?
April: I... I...
Edgeworth: "Objection!" Your Honor, this is ridiculous!
Phoenix: Your Honor, look at the witness's face? Does she seem amused to you!? The defense demands an answer.
April: La... laaa... Irrrrgf!
We may not be the Judge, but she does not look amused to us. (Agreed.) (Agreed.) Did I just wake up in a parallel universe or something?
Judge: Witness, answer the question. Did you tap her phone?
April: ...
Judge: Miss May!
(Well, I'd certainly tap that!) (You Monster! You're absolutely horrible!) What, that she just hit on April by referring to her as "that" or the fact that she's a female demon hitting on another female? (The latter.) Figures, although I admit. Objectifying women is, in fact, horrible.
April: Shut up, all of you! What gives you the right to talk to ME like that!
Who died and made you Queen of Everything?
April: You... you LAWYER!
(Well, yes he is a lawyer, but Phoenix is the one mythical good example! Besides, tarring all attorneys with the same brush is Shimohi's and MY job!) And moving on, we get a shocked shot of every one... (Except Edgeworth.) ...
April: I-it's no fair! All of you g-ganging up on me like that...
Well, either you tell the truth in the first place...like you're supposed to do when you're under oath...or you just suck it up and take it like a human being!
April: Oh, so I'm the bad girl, is that it? Is that it!?
(You hit the nail on the head.)
April: Uh... uh... uwaaaaaaah!
Phoenix: (That did it! The court's seen the real Miss April May now! Now to deal the final blow!)
-You did it, didn't you?-
-Why the wiretap?-
She did do it... (Tap the phone that is...)
Phoenix: Miss May!
And the upside-down button has returned...
April: What is it you little shrimp! Talk to me in that tone of voice will you!?
Yes, yes I will.
Phoenix: You killed her, didn't you!
What!? That's not what I... (Oh, so you got jelly of Mia's rack?)
(And even the crowd is upset at this...)
Judge: Order! There will be order!
April: What? How can you possible say that!? Are you mad? A-all I did was a little wiretap...
You do know that's still a crime. Something the ****ing TSA should know that by now!
April: Oops!
(...Di-did Shimohi just use a cuss word not even the other characters use even though he usually tells Akurei not to!?) (Yeah, that's exactly what happened...)
Phoenix: So you admit you tapped her phone!
April: Heh... heh... hrrah! B-but wait! I didn't do ANYTHING bad like murder! I'm a good girl!
[sarcasm] Right... And that means that the TSA are motherfraking Boy Scouts... [/sarcasm]
Phoenix: Really? Can you prove it!? (No way can she prove it!)
April: You think you're so smart, Mr. Lawyer...
(Well, at least he's smarter than this *****.)
April: But I can prove it! And I will!
Phoenix: You can't be serious! No way!
And...we're back to the twitchy smile...
April: Way, I say! Way! Oh, and I assure you I'm serious, Mr. Lawyer!
Wow, boy is she swinging those moods today... (So, no more commenting on her facial expressions?) Only if it's relevant.
April: Hmph! Okay? So, the killing happened around 9:00 at night? Why, that's just when I was getting room service from that sweet bellboy...
Phoenix: R-room service!?
(I wonder if she was giving the bellboy her own kind of "service", if you know what I mean?) (...I wouldn't be surprised, but that's still too disgusting to talk about in public!)
April: Ice coffee, I believe it was? Ice coffee? You know? Like normal coffee, but COLD.
I believe that's normally called "Iced coffee"...
April: If you don't drink it quick, the ice melts and then you have... regular cold coffee.
More like "watered down regular cold coffee", still...
Phoenix: I-ice coffee...!?
(Well, at least it isn't full coffee mugs being thrown at your head.) (Wha...!? What kind of lunatic would throw mugs of hot coffee at peoples heads!?) (You'll see...)
April: Think I'm making this up? Ask the bellboy! *wink*
Wanton Wink Count: 5
Edgeworth: Ergo, the witness was not on the scene at the time of the murder!
Phoenix: !
And more noise coming from the peanut gallery leading up to...The Judge using his gavel to tell them to shut their pie holes.
Judge: So, where does that leave us...?
Edgeworth: It is my great displeasure to inform you... That the witness appears to have been tapping the victim's telephone.
And with a hand slamming the desk...
Edgeworth: However! That is a separate crime, with no bearing on the current case whatsoever! Her testimony stands! She saw the defendant, Maya Fey, commit murder!
Phoenix: (No! They're going to let her just walk away! There's no way I can win this unless I tie Miss May to the murder somehow...)
Judge: Well, does the defense have anything to say?
(Well, how's our lawyer protagonist going to weasel his way out of this one?)
Phoenix: Um, well... (Come on, think of something!)
-Call the bellboy as a witness-
-Continue examining Miss May-
No way are we going to touch that crazy lady, even with a ten-foot pole. (So that leaves us with...)
Phoenix: The defense would like to call the hotel bellboy as a witness! There's something suspicious there, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!
April: I think you've sunken quite low enough already.
Edgeworth: "Objection!" I object to calling the bellboy!
(What? It's not like calling witnesses is something only the prosecution is allowed to do.)
Phoenix: W-why? What's your reason?
"Because it's devastating to your case"?
Edgeworth: Because I hold that the wiretapping had nothing to do with the killing!
Phoenix: ...!
Edgeworth: However... If you agree to one condition, I'll consent to calling this witness.
Phoenix: Condition...?
Edgeworth: If Miss April May's alibi is not called into question after you examine the bellboy... Then you will recognize that Miss April May was not the killer, thus she is innocent!
(Well, of committing the crime of murder anyway.) Well, that's not so...
Edgeworth: Therefore you must accept the verdict of "guilty" for Ms. Maya Fey! That is my condition.
...okay, I take that back, this IS very, very bad!
Phoenix: (What...!? I'd better find something suspicious in that bellboy's testimony...Otherwise Maya will be declared "guilty" on the spot!)
And we would've created a time paradox.
Phoenix: (What should I do...?)
-Accept the condition-
-Give up-
We have faith in you Phoenix! (Besides, we already declared that we're... "Never gonna give you up!"...) (No! No! You've already Rick Rolled the readers once already!) But not in this post... oh well, let's get on with it. (Four dollars for the jar, Shimohi!)
Phoenix: (Alright! I've got nothing to lose! Except for...well, everything!) Understood. I accept your condition.
Edgeworth: Hmph. Fool... You fell right into my trap!
("It's a trap!") Oh no! We activated Edgeworth's Trap Card! (Oh no! These two are acting like total nerds again!)
Phoenix: (Uh oh!) Uh...um, wait...
Gavel meets desk.
Judge: Very well! The court calls the hotel bellboy to the stand!
Later...
Edgeworth: I believe we're ready for the witness to testify. He certainly does look like a bellboy.
Bellboy: Yes, sir.
(Excuse me, why is he carrying a tray with a tea pot, tea cup, a cream pitcher, and a sugar container in a court room?) That's just how his sprite was drawn.
Bellboy: I received your summons in the middle of work, sir. I'm happy to be of service.
(Oh dear, is some poor hotel guest going to be missing their tea?) Somehow I highly doubt that...
Judge: That tea set looks rather heavy, so without further ado, the witness may begin his testimony.
Bellboy: Very good, sir!
April: ...W-well...! Well, isn't it o-obvious?
No, otherwise we wouldn't be asking.
April: I saw that clock before! Um... what store was that again? I-I go to so many! Oops! I forgot! *wink*
Wanton Wink Count: 3
Judge: So the witness had seen it before. That would make sense. Does the defense have any objections, Mr. Wright?
-Yes-
-No-
Of course we have and objection! You can't buy that at any store! (Believe me, this dude over here wants to.)
Phoenix: The witness claims she had "seen it before." But this directly contradicts a piece of evidence already submitted to this court!
Judge: Well then, let's see it. Please produce this evidence that will prove the witness had not seen the clock before.
Of course, Your Honor, that would be...The Thinker itself! "Take that!"
Phoenix: It's simple. This clock was never in any store, ever!
April: W-whaaat!?
Phoenix: A friend of mine made that clock. Only two exist in the world. And the one that isn't here is in police custody!
April: I-impossible! Everything is sold in stores!
Wrong! There's several things you can't buy...love, happiness, this blog...
Phoenix: Miss May, I think it's high time you went shopping for a better excuse...?
"Yeah!"
April: Mmpf...
Phoenix: Oh? Excuses not on sale today?
(Ooooo! Sick burn there.)
April: Oooh? Oh ho ho. Mmmrrrrph! Ooooorrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh... hhh!!!
And somehow that heart button that's the only thing stopping her outfit from having a wardrobe malfunction spins around so that it's upside down her eyes darken with shadows, oh and and April's breasts sag down a bit.
April: What's it to you, porcupine-head!? That stupid clock doesn't matter, okay!? She did it! And she should die for it! Die!
The crowd gets noisy again and the Judge declares...
Judge: W-w-whoa! Let's not get ahead of ourselves. T-this is a court of law, and the witness will remain calm!
April: Hrrrgh... hrrrh... Hrrr...
And then she recovers...back to the twitchy smile.
April: heh. Oh? Oh! Oh? Oh hoh ho! S-silly me! *grunt*
April: Did I, um, like... lose it?
Yeah, by now I expect it to be all the way in Timbuktu...
April: I guess I did. Tee hee! *wink*
Wanton Wink Count: 4
Phoenix: (S-scary...)
Crazy people in general are scary.
Judge: Miss May, let me ask. Tell me, how did you know the weapon was a clock?
And...the upside-down button is back...
April: ...
Judge: Hmm... oh dear. Does the defense have an opinion on this... behavior?
Phoenix: (Okay, this is it!) Yes, Your Honor. Allow me to explain how I see the truth of the matter. Miss April May, you knew the weapon was a clock because...
-You held it-
-You had heard about it-
The first option only works for the last case, so the only answer left is...
Phoenix: The witness had never held the clock in her hand! However, she had heard that it was a clock!
Judge: She "heard"...?
Phoenix: That is correct, Your Honor. There is no other way she could have know "The Thinker" was a clock! And I can show you the proof!
Judge: Well, this is interesting. Let's see it, then. She me evidence proving that the witness had "heard" the murder weapon was a clock.
And now we present... (That girlie cell phone again!) "Take that!"
Phoenix: The defendant's cell phone.
Judge: Yes, we've seen that already.
Phoenix: Take another listen to the conversation between the defendant and victim.
Cellular: *beep* ...
Maya: [Mia! What's up? You haven't called in a while.]
Mia: [Well, actually there's something I want you to hold on to for me.]
Maya: [Again? What is it this time?]
Mia: [It's... a clock. It's made to look like that statue, "The Thinker." And it tells you the time!]
Cellular: ...
Judge: The do mention "The Thinker." But how would the witness know of this conversation? Do you have proof that she knew of the conversation?
And now that wiretap is going to come in handy... (Hurray for illegal search and secure!) (I can't believe you just said that...) "Take that!"
Phoenix: Have a look at this.
April: Ah! Oooh! Th-that!? Eh heh...
Phoenix: I found this in Miss May's room.
(Well, of course this was going to raise a ruckus...)
Judge: Mr. Wright! Please explain to the court what this is!
("It's a crack baby, fool!") (Why did you have to do another Mr. T reference here!?) Besides, it's actually...
Phoenix: Miss April May!
No, not that!
Phoenix: You used a wiretap to listen to this conversation!
And that's what I was aiming for!
Phoenix: That's how you knew "The Thinker" was a clock!
And there's more hands slamming on desks.
Phoenix: Am I wrong!?
April: I... I...
Edgeworth: "Objection!" Your Honor, this is ridiculous!
Phoenix: Your Honor, look at the witness's face? Does she seem amused to you!? The defense demands an answer.
April: La... laaa... Irrrrgf!
We may not be the Judge, but she does not look amused to us. (Agreed.) (Agreed.) Did I just wake up in a parallel universe or something?
Judge: Witness, answer the question. Did you tap her phone?
April: ...
Judge: Miss May!
(Well, I'd certainly tap that!) (You Monster! You're absolutely horrible!) What, that she just hit on April by referring to her as "that" or the fact that she's a female demon hitting on another female? (The latter.) Figures, although I admit. Objectifying women is, in fact, horrible.
April: Shut up, all of you! What gives you the right to talk to ME like that!
Who died and made you Queen of Everything?
April: You... you LAWYER!
(Well, yes he is a lawyer, but Phoenix is the one mythical good example! Besides, tarring all attorneys with the same brush is Shimohi's and MY job!) And moving on, we get a shocked shot of every one... (Except Edgeworth.) ...
April: I-it's no fair! All of you g-ganging up on me like that...
Well, either you tell the truth in the first place...like you're supposed to do when you're under oath...or you just suck it up and take it like a human being!
April: Oh, so I'm the bad girl, is that it? Is that it!?
(You hit the nail on the head.)
April: Uh... uh... uwaaaaaaah!
Phoenix: (That did it! The court's seen the real Miss April May now! Now to deal the final blow!)
-You did it, didn't you?-
-Why the wiretap?-
She did do it... (Tap the phone that is...)
Phoenix: Miss May!
And the upside-down button has returned...
April: What is it you little shrimp! Talk to me in that tone of voice will you!?
Yes, yes I will.
Phoenix: You killed her, didn't you!
What!? That's not what I... (Oh, so you got jelly of Mia's rack?)
(And even the crowd is upset at this...)
Judge: Order! There will be order!
April: What? How can you possible say that!? Are you mad? A-all I did was a little wiretap...
You do know that's still a crime. Something the ****ing TSA should know that by now!
April: Oops!
(...Di-did Shimohi just use a cuss word not even the other characters use even though he usually tells Akurei not to!?) (Yeah, that's exactly what happened...)
Phoenix: So you admit you tapped her phone!
April: Heh... heh... hrrah! B-but wait! I didn't do ANYTHING bad like murder! I'm a good girl!
[sarcasm] Right... And that means that the TSA are motherfraking Boy Scouts... [/sarcasm]
Phoenix: Really? Can you prove it!? (No way can she prove it!)
April: You think you're so smart, Mr. Lawyer...
(Well, at least he's smarter than this *****.)
April: But I can prove it! And I will!
Phoenix: You can't be serious! No way!
And...we're back to the twitchy smile...
April: Way, I say! Way! Oh, and I assure you I'm serious, Mr. Lawyer!
Wow, boy is she swinging those moods today... (So, no more commenting on her facial expressions?) Only if it's relevant.
April: Hmph! Okay? So, the killing happened around 9:00 at night? Why, that's just when I was getting room service from that sweet bellboy...
Phoenix: R-room service!?
(I wonder if she was giving the bellboy her own kind of "service", if you know what I mean?) (...I wouldn't be surprised, but that's still too disgusting to talk about in public!)
April: Ice coffee, I believe it was? Ice coffee? You know? Like normal coffee, but COLD.
I believe that's normally called "Iced coffee"...
April: If you don't drink it quick, the ice melts and then you have... regular cold coffee.
More like "watered down regular cold coffee", still...
Phoenix: I-ice coffee...!?
(Well, at least it isn't full coffee mugs being thrown at your head.) (Wha...!? What kind of lunatic would throw mugs of hot coffee at peoples heads!?) (You'll see...)
April: Think I'm making this up? Ask the bellboy! *wink*
Wanton Wink Count: 5
Edgeworth: Ergo, the witness was not on the scene at the time of the murder!
Phoenix: !
And more noise coming from the peanut gallery leading up to...The Judge using his gavel to tell them to shut their pie holes.
Judge: So, where does that leave us...?
Edgeworth: It is my great displeasure to inform you... That the witness appears to have been tapping the victim's telephone.
And with a hand slamming the desk...
Edgeworth: However! That is a separate crime, with no bearing on the current case whatsoever! Her testimony stands! She saw the defendant, Maya Fey, commit murder!
Phoenix: (No! They're going to let her just walk away! There's no way I can win this unless I tie Miss May to the murder somehow...)
Judge: Well, does the defense have anything to say?
(Well, how's our lawyer protagonist going to weasel his way out of this one?)
Phoenix: Um, well... (Come on, think of something!)
-Call the bellboy as a witness-
-Continue examining Miss May-
No way are we going to touch that crazy lady, even with a ten-foot pole. (So that leaves us with...)
Phoenix: The defense would like to call the hotel bellboy as a witness! There's something suspicious there, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!
April: I think you've sunken quite low enough already.
Edgeworth: "Objection!" I object to calling the bellboy!
(What? It's not like calling witnesses is something only the prosecution is allowed to do.)
Phoenix: W-why? What's your reason?
"Because it's devastating to your case"?
Edgeworth: Because I hold that the wiretapping had nothing to do with the killing!
Phoenix: ...!
Edgeworth: However... If you agree to one condition, I'll consent to calling this witness.
Phoenix: Condition...?
Edgeworth: If Miss April May's alibi is not called into question after you examine the bellboy... Then you will recognize that Miss April May was not the killer, thus she is innocent!
(Well, of committing the crime of murder anyway.) Well, that's not so...
Edgeworth: Therefore you must accept the verdict of "guilty" for Ms. Maya Fey! That is my condition.
...okay, I take that back, this IS very, very bad!
Phoenix: (What...!? I'd better find something suspicious in that bellboy's testimony...Otherwise Maya will be declared "guilty" on the spot!)
And we would've created a time paradox.
Phoenix: (What should I do...?)
-Accept the condition-
-Give up-
We have faith in you Phoenix! (Besides, we already declared that we're... "Never gonna give you up!"...) (No! No! You've already Rick Rolled the readers once already!) But not in this post... oh well, let's get on with it. (Four dollars for the jar, Shimohi!)
Phoenix: (Alright! I've got nothing to lose! Except for...well, everything!) Understood. I accept your condition.
Edgeworth: Hmph. Fool... You fell right into my trap!
("It's a trap!") Oh no! We activated Edgeworth's Trap Card! (Oh no! These two are acting like total nerds again!)
Phoenix: (Uh oh!) Uh...um, wait...
Gavel meets desk.
Judge: Very well! The court calls the hotel bellboy to the stand!
Later...
Edgeworth: I believe we're ready for the witness to testify. He certainly does look like a bellboy.
Bellboy: Yes, sir.
(Excuse me, why is he carrying a tray with a tea pot, tea cup, a cream pitcher, and a sugar container in a court room?) That's just how his sprite was drawn.
Bellboy: I received your summons in the middle of work, sir. I'm happy to be of service.
(Oh dear, is some poor hotel guest going to be missing their tea?) Somehow I highly doubt that...
Judge: That tea set looks rather heavy, so without further ado, the witness may begin his testimony.
Bellboy: Very good, sir!
Witness Testimony
-- Miss May's Room Service --
Bellboy: I am the head bellboy at the fine Gatewater Hotel, in business for four generations!
Bellboy: I believe I received a call after 8:00 in the evening from our guest, Miss May.
Bellboy: She asked for an ice coffee to be brought to her at 9:00, on the dot, sir.
Bellboy: I brought it to her at precisely the requested time, of course.
Bellboy: And I delivered the ice coffee to our guest Miss May, herself.
Judge: I see. The defense may begin its cross-examination.
Phoenix: R-right! I'm ready. (I hope... This is it... If I can't prove Miss May was involved witht he murder now... Maya will be finished!)
(Stick a fork in her, she's done.) Nope, that's not going to happen! Not on my watch!
Cross-examination
-- Miss May's Room Service --
Bellboy: I am the head bellboy at the fine Gatewater Hotel, in business for four generations!
I'm going to find something wrong here, even if I have to say "Hold it!" for every single statement! (You guys should know where this is going to go...)
Phoenix: What exactly is it you do at the hotel?
Bellboy: Why, anything required of me, sir. I check in guests, I check out guests. I clean rooms, I make beds. I even deliver room service, sir.
(Well, Anonymous delivers better than you!)
Bellboy: I checked Miss May in personally.
Phoenix: Are you always so... so prim?
Judge: Mr. Wright. You will refrain from asking frivolous questions...
Bellboy: I believe I received a call after 8:00 in the evening from our guest, Miss May.
Phoenix: Are you sure it was Miss May on the phone?
Bellboy: Absolutely, sir.
Phoenix: H-how can yo be so certain!?
Bellboy: I checked Miss May in personally, sir. Not only did I see her in all her stunning radiance, but I also heard her voice. And then I saw THEM, and I...
(And by "THEM" you mean her...) (Breasts, boobs, rack, twins, huge tracts of land...) (And that's nine dollars you owe now!)
Bellboy: Ahem. Er... ahem! The point being, I remembered her quite well, sir.
Judge: Yes, what then?
Bellboy: She asked for an ice coffee to be brought to her at 9:00, on the dot, sir.
Phoenix: 9:00 "on the dot," you say?
Bellboy: Yes. I confirmed that detail several times. She was watching a program on the TV, and wished to drink after she finished, sir.
Phoenix: (9:00... the time of the murder!)
Bellboy: I brought it to her at precisely the requested time, of course.
Phoenix: "Precisely" 9:00, then?
Bellboy: Precisely, exactly, and most definitely, sir. 9:00 PM.
Phoenix: How can you be so sure!?
Bellboy: Miss May was quite insistent that it be brought then. "Oh, bellboy? Tee hee! I'd like, like, ice coffee at exactly 9:00!" Something like that, sir.
Holy...maybe he should be an impression comedian!
Bellboy: Therefore, I knocked on her door at the crack of 9:00, sir.
Phoenix: (Why would she be so particular about the time?)
[sarcasm] Maybe a sacred ritual to summon the Goddess of Air Headed Valley Girls to this mortal plane? [/sarcasm] (Most likely to manufacture a fixed testimony.)
Bellboy: And I delivered the ice coffee to our guest Miss May, herself.
All right! This is all or nothing! So let's... "Hold it!"
Phoenix: You are sure it was Miss April May herself?
Bellboy: Ab-SO-lutely, sir.
Phoenix: "Ab-SO-lutely"...?
Bellboy: Yes, sir. As in, "so very absolutely," sir. It's an endearing mannerism of mine.
(Something sounds fishy here...) What, the fact that he just lampshaded the trope of the "Verbal Tic"? (Yeah...)
Phoenix: How come you're so very certain!?
bellboy: Well, when I brought the room service, sir...
You walked in on her being naked or partially so? You can't hide a blush like that!
Bellboy: S-she... the guest, sir, favored me w-with a, um, an "embrasser," sir.
(So you and Miss May f...) (Lalala! The readers are never going to hear that!)
Phoenix: "Embrasser"!? Is that French for "embrace"?
Bellboy: It's French for "kiss," sir. But not a french kiss, sir! More of a peck on the cheek.
("The More You Know...") "And knowing is half the battle!" ("The other half is shooting somebody." By the way, I happened to notice that when you were typing the Bellboy's latest line of dialogue, at first you typed it so that first appearance of "kiss" looked like the word "kill".) (Oh...my...is that...revealing...) (The Bellboy is Shelly De Killer in disguise!) He doesn't even officially show up in this game series...yet.
Phoenix: Wh-why would she have done that...?
Bellboy: I believe, perhaps, she was momentarily swayed by my prim demeanor, sir.
More like "You'd be too flustered to ask any questions about what just happened." Duh!
Bellboy: It was a moment I shall never, ever forget, sir.
(And I bet you never washed that cheek again...) (Ew gross...) *ji...* (No seriously, I bet that cheek is greasy and grimy and gross by now.)
Phoenix: (Sounds pretty fishy to me... I think our Miss May was up to something and wanted he bellboy to remember her!)
Oh no...I've gone though all the statements and...I found nothing wrong... (Sucks to be you!)
Phoenix: ...It's no good! (There's nothing there! Is... is that it?)
Edgeworth: Tsk tsk. Finally, you understand.
No! No! No! It can't just end like this!
Edgeworth: This bellboy has absolutely no reason to lie! Now...
Phoenix... Maya... Everyone... I'm... Sorry...
Edgeworth: If you have any decency, you will end this rather tedious cross-examination here!
Judge: Hmm. It was a bit tedious. The witness may leave the stand.
Phoenix: (I can't let this happen... can I?)
-Protest-
-Give up-
Wait, why are you telling me to give up game?! You know I'd never do that! Did you do this to inspire me to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat? Challenge Accepted!
Phoenix: W-wait! Please wait!
Judge: Yes? Does the defense have something to add?
Phoenix: One last question... let me ask one last question!
Edgeworth: "Objection!" Your Honor, I must object.
Why...?
Edgeworth: This charade of justice has gone on long enough!
Indeed, but not with the result you're expecting...
Judge: Now, now, Mr. Edgeworth. Alright Mr. Wright. I'll give you one more question, that's all.
Phoenix: (Okay. This is really it, now. This is my last chance!)
(You'd better not **** this up now, or I will feast upon your corpse!) Trust me, she can can and she will do it...
Phoenix: (What do I ask him about...!?)
-Check-in-
-Room service-
-Bed making-
(Yeah...what do we ask about...?) I don't know...pick something, I don't care what!? (How about we play rock, paper, scissors...) (...lizard, Spock over it!) Fine, which ever one ties first decides it. 1, 2, 3, shoot! (*scissors*) (*scissors*) Okay, it's decided...
Phoenix: Bed... bed making!
(So that's how you decided what the results meant...) (And it's the one with the most...interesting implications...)
Phoenix: Tell me about making beds that day.
Edgeworth: I was wondering what you were going to ask, but bed making? A new low!
(Indeed, tell me about it...)
Judge: Now, now, Mr. Edgeworth. The witness will answer the defense's question.
Bellboy: Yes, well, it was quite like any other day's bed making. I changed the sheets, the pillowcases, and then I proceeded to make the bed. I had to bring pillows for two, of course, but they're quite light, you see.
"Light like a feather" I get it... *looks up* ...wait a minute!
Phoenix: I see. Thank you.
Not getting it yet?
Phoenix: ... (Pillows... for two!?) Bellboy! What did you just say?
("Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back. No more, no more, no more, no more! Hit the road Jack! And don't you come back no more!!") "What you say?" ("You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha…") (And now these two nerds have managed to mix together an A cappella song with rather horrible English from a rather horrible game...)
Bellboy: Eh!? Ah, yes, pillows are light... sir?
No, what you said before that!
Phoenix: Bellboy! Tell us the truth now... Was someone else staying in Miss May's room?
Edgeworth: "Objection!" I object! That was... objectionable!
(Epic Fail on your part, Edgy...)
Judge: ...Objection overruled. The witness will answer the question.
Bellboy: Er... yes, I see.
Phoenix: Why did you not mention this in your testimony!?
Bellboy: W-well, sir, you er... you didn't ask!
(That's not going to fly in a court of law!)
Phoenix: (Nice try!) That's the sort of thing you're normally supposed to mention!
Bellboy: Ah, yes, quite. Indeed... It was the, er, good barrister there, Mr. Edgeworth, who...
Phoenix: !
Bellboy: He asked me not to mention it if I wasn't specifically asked, sir.
Edgeworth: Oof! Y-you fool!
Caught! (Red-handed!) (And you're dialouge is highlighted red, what's your point!?)
Phoenix: I've done it... I've won! Miss April May checked into a twin room... with a man. Correct?
Bellboy: Yes, sir.
Phoenix: Then, when yo brought them room service, you didn't see that man in the room...?
Bellboy: That's right, sir.
Judge: Hmm...
Phoenix: Your Honor! We have just learned of another person involved who may have been the murderer! In this new light, I hold that it's impossible to judge the defendant. You agree, Mr. Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: Who! Who is this "other person"!
Who's playing dumb, now!?
Pheonix: Simple it was...
-Miss April May-
-The man with Miss May-
-The Bellboy-
Well, options one and three are out right... (Seeing as both of them are in the courthouse right now.) ...so that leaves us with...
Phoenix: The man who checked in with Miss May!
Edgeworth: Oof!
Nice case of Youngblood's Disease there, Edgy...
Phoenix: Your Honor! As has been previously revealed, Miss April May was tapping the victim's phone. Yet Miss May herself has an alibi at the time of the murder.
A suspiciously well-timed one...
Phoenix: However, that does not clear the man that was with her! The bellboy saw no one else in the room at the time of the murder!!!
Edgeworth: M-my, what a convenient little setup... but it's too late...
Phoenix: "Too late"? I suppose you'd like it if it was too late, wouldn't you... After all, it was you who hid the presence of the other man from this court!
Edgeworth: Oof! Upstart... amateur...! T-these accusations are...ludicrous!
Judge: Enough! The court acknowledges the defense's argument. I expect the prosecution and defense to look into this matter fully! Am I understood?
Edgeworth: Yes... *gasp* Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: That is all today for the trial of Maya Fey. Court is adjourned!
And there goes the gavel!
September 7, 2:24 PM
District Court
Defendant Lobby No. 1
Maya: Mr. Wright! You were amazing in there!
Phoenix: R-really?
Yes, you didn't let us down...*shedding liquid pride* I bet Mia would be so proud right now...
Maya: I think I might be your newest fan!
Same here... (And here...) (And here... and even I'm surprised I'm saying that!)
Phoenix: Oh, I was just "doing my job" you know... heh heh.
But you did "your job" WELL! (Against Miles "Mother****ing" Edgeworth himself!)
Maya: Then again, that other attorney was pretty cool, too...
Cue the legions of Edgeworth Fangirls and the Foe Yay Shippers...
Phoenix: Huh?
Maya: That face of his! With his eyes wide, and trembling lips!
(Great! Can someone please get Shimohi's brain out of the gutter...again!?)
Maya: It sent shivers up my spine!
Phoenix: Hmm... if you say so.
Maya: So, what happens with me? Do I get to go home now?
Nope, not yet, but we'll get you home. I stake my honor as an otaku upon it! (I thought you types didn't have that.) It's dignity otaku don't have, not honor...
Phoenix: Well, no. I don't think so. Not yet.
Maya: Oh... I see.
Phoenix: But I got a great lead in today's trial!
Maya: A "lead"?
Phoenix: That man with Miss May! He's the key!
Not to mention the true murderer!
Maya: Oh! I get it. What happened to Miss May after that, anyway?
Phoenix: I heard they arrested her. I guess she's learning her charms won't work everywhere.
Indeed, on can't use the Charm Person spell or Diplomancy to get out of everything... (Sometimes, you've got to bash some skulls in...) (No, just...no!)
Phoenix: She's probably at the detention center now. I may have to go down there later. Anyway. This case if far from closed.
Maya: Yes sir!
Phoenix: I'm going to find out more about this man.
Maya: Do you think he was the one who...?
Phoenix: Maybe so.
(I know so!)
Maya: Sis...
Phoenix: Don't worry, I'll find him by tomorrow. I promise.
Maya: I'm counting on you!
And so does the future of this franchise!
Phoenix: I asked for a full record of April May's testimony. I thought it might come in handy during the trial tomorrow. But now that I have it, I'm not so sure. Most of her testimony was all lies... In fact, there's only one part that got left on the record.
'May Testimony added to the Court Record.'
'"The victim dodged an attack then ran to the right, but she was caught and struck."'
Phoenix: I don't know how much good this will do me at all, now. Anyway, time to hit the pavement and do some investigating! Maya doesn't belong in that detention center, and it's up to me to get her free!
Don't worry, with our guidance, we'll see her though!
To be continued.
--------------------------------
Well, next time we trudge though the second investigation phase and try to find that mystery man... (He's the killer and you know it!) (Well, you two are still racking up a debt to the reference jar...)
Monty Python Reference Jar
Akurei: $9
Shimohi: $4
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