October 18, 10:00 AM
District Court
Courtroom No. 4
And there's the usual noise from the audience, the Judge and his gavel, you know the drill...
Judge: The court is now in session for the trial of Mr. Will Powers.
Edgeworth: The prosecution is ready, Your Honor.
(Ha! Told you the prosecutor was going to be Edgy!)
Phoenix: The defense is ready, Your Honor.
Judge: Very well. Mr. Edgeworth, your opening statement, please.
Edgeworth: The prosecution will show the court that at 2:30 PM on October 15, the defendant, Mr. Will Powers, killed fellow actor Jack Hammer at Studio One of Global Studios. It is impossible for anyone else to have committed this heinous crime.
[sarcasm] Yeah, right... [/sarcasm] Mr. Phoenix Wright and his crew are the Team Gurren of the legal world!
Edgeworth: The evidence presented during the trial will all point to this fact.
Judge: Hmm. I see.
(*pst* Are you sure he's not just saying that like a shrink usually does...?)
Judge: Very well, I would like to move on to your testimony. Mr. Edgeworth, the prosecution may call its first witness.
Edgeworth: First, I would like to call a familiar face, Detective Gumshoe, to the stand.
*sigh of relief* Thank goodness... (But then you're still going to have to face the old windbag next.) *gulp*
Edgeworth: Detective, if you would briefly describe this case to the court?
Gumshoe: Yes sir! I'll explain with the guidemap here. To understand this case, it's important to grasp the layout of the studios, see? This here is the Employee Area.
Pointing towards the rectangle with the smaller black rectangle inside marked "Dressing Room", located on the right edge of the map.
Gumshoe: The actors did a run-through of their action scenes during the morning here. This is the main gate to the studios.
Pointing towards the small rectangular bump on the path to the rest of the areas, located in the upper right-hand corner of the map. (It's more like a 1 o'clock position, but whatever...)
Gumshoe: The security lady that works at the studios was here at 1:00 PM on that day. Past the security station there is a gate, see?
Pointing at the striped line that stretches across the path just before it splits into two paths, one leading to Studio One, the other leading to Studio Two. (By the way, that "gate" looks more like an arch...)
Gumshoe: Past that are the studios. And here it is...Studio One.
Which is located in the upper-left corner of the map.
Gumshoe: This is the scene of the murder, where the body was found!
(Where the body was found: True. Scene of the Murder: 'Dead' wrong!) (Why...!? Why do you have to do those horrible puns!?)
Gumshoe: Now, on the day of the murder, October 15, there were only three people here. The victim, Jack Hammer, the defendant, Will Powers, and a young woman, the production assistant.
(You're missing some...) Hold it! I think you've dropped enough spoilers for one post.
Gumshoe: All the production staff were in the Employee Area until noon. Then after lunch, the victim, Jack Hammer, went to Studio One. Right after that, at 1:00 PM, the security lady got to the guard station. Now, jump ahead to later that day... 5:00 PM. The production staff came to Studio One to perform a rehearsal. Needless to say, the rehearsal was cancelled...
(Due to a necessary actor taking a sudden, unplanned, and permanent vacation...to the afterlife...)
Gumshoe: The time of death was 2:30 PM. The "Samurai Spear" found lodged in the victim's chest was the murder weapon. That's the case, in brief. Anyone like to hear that again?
Phoenix: (Hmm... Should I listen to that whole thing again...?)
-Skip it-
-Listen again-
(No!) We don't really need to hear that again, we can just look up if we forget something. (Strange that Studio Two wasn't mentioned at all...)
Phoenix: (I think I can probably remember that...)
Judge: So the murder weapon was a "spear"? How... medieval!
'Samurai Spear added to the Court Record.'
'This spear was found stuck in the chest of the victim.'
Edgeworth: Your Honor. This case is quite simple if you ask one question: And that question is: "What did the security lady at the guard station see?"
(Edgy... THIS! IS! ACE ATTORNEY!!! A case is never that simple.)
Judge: Understood.
Edgeworth: Let's call this security officer to the stand!
And I...think I need to find a fainting couch...
Edgeworth: Will the witness declare her name?
Oldbag: ...Hmm? My, aren't you a handsome fellow! I'm afraid I'm a bit flustered!
(Warning! Warning! Cougar alert!) Aw come on! Cougars are cool...
Edgeworth: Y-your name, please!
Oldbag: Oh, dearie! No need for you to be embarrassed! Just call me "grandma."
Okay, now we're getting into squicky territory... (Indeed, but I don't think that's the reason Mr. Edgeworth is feeling embarrassed.)
Edgeworth: YOUR NAME, PLEASE!
(Seriously...?!) Yes, that was shown in all caps like that...
Phoenix: (Seems Edgeworth has a bit of trouble getting his witnesses to say their names...)
(Got that right.)
Wendy Oldbag: Wendy Oldbag, dearie. So just call me "grandma." It's practically my name! So even when I was young I was an Oldbag, but not really that was just my name dearie. Still how the other children would make fun of me and just because of my name can you believe it? But there was this boy, the captain of the chess club in junior high, and when he called me an old bag well I just cried and cried because I had a crush on him you see--
Edgeworth: "Objection!" O-objection! I... object to the witness's talkativeness.
(Thank Satan!) ... (Huh... Shimohi... *taps Shimohi on the shoulder* Shimohi!) *falls over in seat* (I think we're going to have to wake him up again...)
Judge: Objection sustained!
(That's an odd objection to sustain...)
Judge: The witness will refrain from rambling on the stand.
*wakes up* Huh? Thank the gods...
Oldbag: I was just getting to the good part, dearie!
Edgeworth: Perhaps we can get to the testimony?
Judge: Now, the witness was stationed at the main gate on the day of the murder, correct?
Oldbag: Yessey I was.
Judge: And to get to the scene of the murder, someone would have to pass by you?
Oldbag: You know your stuff, dearie!
Judge: ...You may begin your testimony.
Phoenix: (She sure is one hell of an Oldbag...)
Witness Testimony
-- Witness's Account --
Oldbag: On the day of the murder, I arrived at the guard station at 1:00 PM.
Oldbag: Poor old Hammer and the rest had been doing a run-through there since the morning.
Oldbag: I, well, I had some errands to run that morning.
Oldbag: Anyway, it was 1:00 when I got to the guard station.
Oldbag: I was at the main gate from then until 5:00!
Oldbag: Now, the murder happened at 2:30 PM, right?
Oldbag: Interesting to me, because a certain man walked right by me at 2:00 PM.
Oldbag: It was Powers! That man right there, and he was heading toward the studio!
Judge: You saw the defendant, then? Hmm... Very well. Let's begin the cross-examination. Mr. Wright?
Phoenix: Yes, Your Honor.
Cross-examination
-- Witness's Account --
Oldbag: On the day of the murder, I arrived at the guard station at 1:00 PM.
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: So up until that time, anyone who wanted to could go into the studio?
Oldbag: Well, there wasn't a security guard at the gate, no. But the main gate was locked, dearie. You'd need an employee cardkey to get in.
Phoenix: (Right... the cardkey that I have. So, what she's saying is no one who wasn't supposed to be there could get in.)
Edgeworth: Was there anyone at the studios when you arrived at the guard station?
Oldbag: Poor old Hammer and the rest had been doing a run-through there since the morning.
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: A "run-through"...?
Oldbag: They were working out a scene between the Steel Samurai and the Evil Magistrate. The got the basics figured out by noon, and were to use the afternoon for practice. Rehearsal was supposed to start at 5:00. That's why poor old Hammer went to Studio One in the afternoon.
Phoenix: (So Powers was in his dressing room sleeping... when he was supposed to be practicing! Talk about a laid-back hero...)
Edgeworth: If there was a run-through in the morning, why did you only get there after noon?
Oldbag: I, well, I had some errands to run that morning.
"Hold it!" Exactly what kind of "errands"...?
Phoenix: What kind of "errands"?
(Wow! He practically took the words right out of your mouth...)
Oldbag: Oh, well, you know.
(No, no we don't "know". Otherwise we wouldn't be asking you! For all we know you could be getting R-18 rated Doujinshi!) (Ew, gross! Nobody needs to know that!)
Phoenix: Answer the question!
Yeah!
Oldbag: Actually... I was watching poor Hammer and Powers. Observing, you know?
Phoenix: O-observing? Weren't you supposed to be at the guard station?
(And not... you know... fapping.) (That was a mental image I did NOT want in my BRAIN! *runs out of the courtroom with a spray bottle in hand*) And... Niyagi's dosing on the Brain Bleach again...
Oldbag: Whippersnapper! I told you I locked the gate, didn't I? I did my job!
[sarcasm] Right... [/sarcasm]
Phoenix: (I'm not sure your boss would see it that way...)
Oldbag: Anyway! I always watch Hammer's run-throughs. Always! Never missed one in all my years.
Akurei's implications of masturbation aside, spoken like a true fan girl...
Maya: Wow! I want to see a Steel Samurai run-through too!
Phoenix: You could quit being a spirit medium and take up guard duty.
Maya: Not a bad idea...
But... but then who'd channel Mia when Phoenix needs her the most!? (Pearl?) We haven't met her yet!
Oldbag: Anyway, it was 1:00 when I got to the guard station.
Well, you know the drill...
Phoenix: Did you see the victim then?
Oldbag: Did I see poor old Hammer? Nope. He'd already gone to the studio before I got back to the guard station.
Edgeworth: Tell us what happened next.
Oldbag: I was at the main gate from then until 5:00!
And... "Hold it!"
Phoenix: So you were watching there the WHOLE time? No breaks? Not even a second?
Oldbag: O-of course! I am a professional, you know! Or are you criticizing how I do my job!? Whippersnapper!
Phoenix: No, it's just, after seeing you eating those donuts in the guard station yesterday...
Phoenix: No, it's just, after seeing you eating those donuts in the guard station yesterday...
Oldbag: I can watch the gate and eat donuts at the same time! Snipperwhapper!
I'm not sure if that counts as a spoonerism or not...
Maya: "Snipperwhapper"...? Old windbag is losing it, Nick.
Phoenix: Why don't you raise an objection?
Huh... is Mr. Wright talking to the players here? (Either that or Capcom royally screwed up.)
Judge: So, the witness was on duty through the afternoon, the whole time. Very well. What did you see?
I'm not sure if that counts as a spoonerism or not...
Maya: "Snipperwhapper"...? Old windbag is losing it, Nick.
Phoenix: Why don't you raise an objection?
Huh... is Mr. Wright talking to the players here? (Either that or Capcom royally screwed up.)
Judge: So, the witness was on duty through the afternoon, the whole time. Very well. What did you see?
Oldbag: Now, the murder happened at 2:30 PM, right?
"Hold it!" Now how exactly did you know what time it happened...?
Phoenix: How did you know that?
Well, that was a more efficient way to ask the same question.
Oldbag: Oh hoh hoh. I have my ways! That over-dressed young detective told me.
Dick Gumshoe?! Over-dressed!? (Now I think Wendy here needs glasses...)
Oldbag: I fed him some donuts and he talked and talked... If you ask me, that detective isn't cut out for his job.
Yeah, I can see that being true... (I wonder if the only reason he took the job in the first place is because he thought his name meant that it was his "destiny"...?)
Edgeworth: ...
Phoenix: (Poor Detective Gumshoe, getting chewed out by a security guard...)
Phoenix: How did you know that?
Well, that was a more efficient way to ask the same question.
Oldbag: Oh hoh hoh. I have my ways! That over-dressed young detective told me.
Dick Gumshoe?! Over-dressed!? (Now I think Wendy here needs glasses...)
Oldbag: I fed him some donuts and he talked and talked... If you ask me, that detective isn't cut out for his job.
Yeah, I can see that being true... (I wonder if the only reason he took the job in the first place is because he thought his name meant that it was his "destiny"...?)
Edgeworth: ...
Phoenix: (Poor Detective Gumshoe, getting chewed out by a security guard...)
Oldbag: Interesting to me, because a certain man walked right by me at 2:00 PM.
(You can guess what Shimohi's going to do here.)
Phoenix: 2:00? You're sure?
Oldbag: Sure as spit!
Judge: Well, who was the man!?
Oldbag: Really, you should try not to get so excited at your age. You might strain something.
Okay, so between the Judge and Wendy Oldbag here, who's the pot and who's the kettle?
Judge: ...
Oldbag: Now, now, don't get your skivvies all in a bunch. I'll tell you who it was!
Phoenix: 2:00? You're sure?
Oldbag: Sure as spit!
Judge: Well, who was the man!?
Oldbag: Really, you should try not to get so excited at your age. You might strain something.
Okay, so between the Judge and Wendy Oldbag here, who's the pot and who's the kettle?
Judge: ...
Oldbag: Now, now, don't get your skivvies all in a bunch. I'll tell you who it was!
Oldbag: It was Powers! That man right there, and he was heading toward the studio!
That sounds... Odd considering what we know. (And you know the drill...) "Hold it!"
Phoenix: So you saw Mr. Powers?
Oldbag: That's what I said! Got wax in your ears, sonny?
Maya: Nick, this is your chance!
Phoenix: Yeah, time to pull out the secret weapon...
Oldbag: I'll say it again! It was him!
Oldbag: It was Powers! That man right there, and he was heading toward the studio!
(O RLY!?) That won't be relevant to the game 'till Gyakuten Saiban 4... But for now, what with the existence of this Powers's(?) Photo, I have to raise an... "Objection!"
Phoenix: Let me get this straight, old bag! Er, Ms. Oldbag! You've been saying since yesterday that you "saw Mr. Powers," correct? But you're talking about the man in this photo, aren't you!
Judge: J-just a moment, Mr. Wright. Let me see that photo! ...What is this, exactly?
Phoenix: None other than the Steel Samurai, defender of Neo Olde Tokyo. Ms. Oldbag! Is this the "Mr. Powers" that you saw!?
Oldbag: Of course! Didn't your momma teach you any sense, sonny? Anyone can plainly see that's Powers! Right?
Mr. Wright is rubber, you're glue, what you just said bounces off Mr. Wright and sticks to you... (YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS SOME SENSE LADY!)
Edgeworth: Um, yeah. ...Umm... well. I wonder?
(Indeed, "Didn't your momma teach you any sense?"...) That makes no sense because... it could be anyone under that mask! It's not like that costume is isomorphic or anything like that.
Phoenix: True, Mr. Powers does play the role of the Steel Samurai! But that doesn't mean Mr. Powers IS the Steel Samurai!
Oldbag: ...! I... I know that! I wasn't born yesterday!
Except... That was exactly what you were implying with your testimony there.
Judge: No on in this court is accusing you of that, Ms... er, witness.
(No one except Shimohi over here!) No, what I meant was that she was implying that she DID, in fact, believe that "Steel Samurai" equals "Will Powers". (It's obvious that she wasn't, literally, born yesterday.)
Phoenix: (He's having trouble calling her "Oldbag" apparently...)
Judge: However, you do not have proof that the person in this photo is Mr. Will Powers, do you?
Oldbag: Humph! Nosy old man!
Well, what do you calling your "observing" sessions? Nosy old woman! (Another day, another "pot and kettle" burn...)
Oldbag: Of course I have proof!
So, let's see it, then...
Phoenix: What!?
Edgeworth: Huh!?
Phoenix: (Even Edgeworth is surprised!?)
Edgeworth: The prosecution would like to ask the old... the witness.
(Heh-heh... He almost said "old windbag"...)
Edgeworth: Please make known all the information in your possession ahead of time!
Oldbag: How was I to know everyone would be so nosy! You should be ashamed, all of you! Anyway, I showed that photo to the young detective. He told me "this isn't any good as evidence, pal." He didn't even give it a second look!
Edgeworth: ...
Oh no! His Youngblood's Disease is acting up again!
Phoenix: (Wow, old windbag has left even Edgeworth speechless. She's good!)
Judge: Let's hear about your proof, then.
Phoenix: So you saw Mr. Powers?
Oldbag: That's what I said! Got wax in your ears, sonny?
Maya: Nick, this is your chance!
Phoenix: Yeah, time to pull out the secret weapon...
Oldbag: I'll say it again! It was him!
Oldbag: It was Powers! That man right there, and he was heading toward the studio!
(O RLY!?) That won't be relevant to the game 'till Gyakuten Saiban 4... But for now, what with the existence of this Powers's(?) Photo, I have to raise an... "Objection!"
Phoenix: Let me get this straight, old bag! Er, Ms. Oldbag! You've been saying since yesterday that you "saw Mr. Powers," correct? But you're talking about the man in this photo, aren't you!
Judge: J-just a moment, Mr. Wright. Let me see that photo! ...What is this, exactly?
Phoenix: None other than the Steel Samurai, defender of Neo Olde Tokyo. Ms. Oldbag! Is this the "Mr. Powers" that you saw!?
Oldbag: Of course! Didn't your momma teach you any sense, sonny? Anyone can plainly see that's Powers! Right?
Mr. Wright is rubber, you're glue, what you just said bounces off Mr. Wright and sticks to you... (YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS SOME SENSE LADY!)
Edgeworth: Um, yeah. ...Umm... well. I wonder?
(Indeed, "Didn't your momma teach you any sense?"...) That makes no sense because... it could be anyone under that mask! It's not like that costume is isomorphic or anything like that.
Phoenix: True, Mr. Powers does play the role of the Steel Samurai! But that doesn't mean Mr. Powers IS the Steel Samurai!
Oldbag: ...! I... I know that! I wasn't born yesterday!
Except... That was exactly what you were implying with your testimony there.
Judge: No on in this court is accusing you of that, Ms... er, witness.
(No one except Shimohi over here!) No, what I meant was that she was implying that she DID, in fact, believe that "Steel Samurai" equals "Will Powers". (It's obvious that she wasn't, literally, born yesterday.)
Phoenix: (He's having trouble calling her "Oldbag" apparently...)
Judge: However, you do not have proof that the person in this photo is Mr. Will Powers, do you?
Oldbag: Humph! Nosy old man!
Well, what do you calling your "observing" sessions? Nosy old woman! (Another day, another "pot and kettle" burn...)
Oldbag: Of course I have proof!
So, let's see it, then...
Phoenix: What!?
Edgeworth: Huh!?
Phoenix: (Even Edgeworth is surprised!?)
Edgeworth: The prosecution would like to ask the old... the witness.
(Heh-heh... He almost said "old windbag"...)
Edgeworth: Please make known all the information in your possession ahead of time!
Oldbag: How was I to know everyone would be so nosy! You should be ashamed, all of you! Anyway, I showed that photo to the young detective. He told me "this isn't any good as evidence, pal." He didn't even give it a second look!
Edgeworth: ...
Oh no! His Youngblood's Disease is acting up again!
Phoenix: (Wow, old windbag has left even Edgeworth speechless. She's good!)
Judge: Let's hear about your proof, then.
Witness Testimony
--The Man in the Photo--
Oldbag: I never say anything I don't mean, mind you!
Oldbag: That morning, during the run-through of the action scene...
Oldbag: I saw Powers trip and fall!
Oldbag: He broke one of the props, it was a big mess.
Oldbag: Apparently, he sprained his ankle pretty bad.
Oldbag: Now, look at that picture!
Oldbag: You can see he's dragging his leg! See? Clear as day!
Oldbag: That's how I knew it was Powers. Happy?
Judge: Hmm. So he had sprained his ankle...?
Well, that explains the long nap. (He tried to sleep it off.)
Judge: Very well. Mr. Wright, you may cross-examine the witness.
Phoenix: (She's got to be hiding something... I'll press her until she squeals.)
You heard the ace attorney! (So, it's generally going to be assumed that Shimohi's shouting "Hold it!" at every statement.)
Cross-examination
--The Man in the Photo--
Oldbag: I never say anything I don't mean, mind you!
Phoenix: Umm...
Oldbag: Whippersnapper!
Phoenix: (Hey, I haven't said anything yet!)
Oldbag: I'll have you know I'm not pointing fingers at anyone behind their backs! Everything I've said is on the straight and narrow! The up and up! Youth today! Always whining about each other, pointing fingers this way and that! It's enough to make an old lady want to cry...
Edgeworth: Mr. Wright! Please, for all our sakes, try not to upset the witness!
Phoenix: (I think Edgeworth has met his match...)
(Indeed. What about you, Shimo...) *sitting with swirly eyes* ([sarcasm] Great... [/sarcasm] Not again... *shakes Shimohi* Wake up already! You have a cross-examination to assist with!) Oh... Right...
Oldbag: That morning, during the run-through of the action scene...
Phoenix: Who was present at the run-through?
Oldbag: Well, let's see... There was Powers, he's the Steel Samurai.
See what I mean by how she thinks that "Steel Samurai" equals "Will Powers" and no one else...
Oldbag: Then poor old Hammer, the Evil Magistrate.
Sounds like she's rooting for The Empire...
Oldbag: And... me.
Judge: And what exactly were you doing?
Oldbag: Observing! Just... observing.
And... you DON'T consider that to be "nosy"? [sarcasm] Right... Whatever you say... [/sarcasm]
Phoenix: What about the assistant?
Oldbag: Oh, she was off moving backdrops around and such.
Phoenix: (So she didn't see the run-through, then...)
(Well, that explains why she believes Mr. Powers to be innocent...) (*ji...*)
Oldbag: I saw Powers trip and fall!
Phoenix: "Trip and fall"...?
Oldbag: Yes! And to think, he's supposed to be the Steel Samurai! What a laugh! So Powers sprained his ankle. I helped make it better for him, of course.
Judge: You... helped make it better?
Oldbag: I kissed it where it hurt.
No, that's not how you magically heal a wound like that... You've got to tie either one or seven knots in a thread, tie said thread around the affected area, then recite a chant about how either Jesus or Odin's foal sprained a hoof and then got it healed. (You've got to be joking... right?) (No, Shimohi isn't joking.)
Judge: L-let's just skip over that part, shall we?
(...Shimohi, you do know you're going to hell... right...) Actually, I don't believe in hell. At least not in the same way you do. (Besides, it's more fun down there anyway.)
Phoenix: Where was the assistant then?
Oldbag: Oh, her? She was cleaning up backdrops, I think. She didn't know about Powers's ankle.
Phoenix: (Hmm...)
Edgeworth: You may continue your testimony.
Oldbag: He broke one of the props, it was a big mess.
Phoenix: He broke a prop?
Oldbag: Sure did! His own Samurai Spear.
Phoenix: (His Samurai Spear...the murder weapon!?)
Oldbag: Luckily I was there with my duct tape to fix it.
Speaking of which, "what has a light side, a dark side, and holds the universe together?" (The Force?) Nope, look above, it's duct tape! (You two...) Right, isn't The Steel Samurai's show supposed to be set before duct tape even existed...? If so, that prop's farby!
Phoenix: (This strikes me as a significant detail... I'd better write this down in the Court Record.)
'Samurai Spear updated in the Court Record.'
'The murder weapon. A break in the shaft has been mended with duct tape.'
Oldbag: Apparently, he sprained his ankle pretty bad.
Phoenix: Was Mr. Power's ankle badly sprained?
Oldbag: Not so bad that he couldn't walk around. He went to his dressing room to rest up after lunch.
Phoenix: (Thus the nap...)
(So he DID try to sleep it off! I knew it!)
Oldbag: Anyway, I saw him dragging his foot when he walked.
Phoenix: (Dragging his foot... okay.)
Edgeworth: I think we've heard enough! Haven't we, Your Honor?
Judge: Well, there is one thing that bothers me.
Edgeworth: Which is?
Judge: Where is this "Steel Samurai" costume now?
That's actually a pretty good question...
Edgeworth: Umm... hmm. Actually, well... We couldn't find it. We're looking, though.
Judgde: Hmm...
Sounds very suspicious...
Edgeworth: Anyway, that's not important!
Oh hell, no! [sarcasm] "That's not important!" Yeah, right... [/sarcasm]
Edgeworth: The witness did see the Steel Samurai, yes. And it is clear that the person in the Steel Samurai suit was Mr. Will Powers!
No it isn't! (Why are both you and the Monster in denial!?) (Because we KNOW he didn't do it!)
Judge: Hmm... I suppose that's right.
Phoenix: (Are you sure you're sure, Your Honor?)
-Object-
-Wait and see what happens-
"Object!" of course!
Phoenix: Hold it right there! We keep talking possibillities, but we have to agree that this photo shows the Steel Samurai! Nowhere in this photo can we see Mr. Will Powers!
Judge: Hmm... The defense has a point.
Of course we have a point! (You're not part of the defense team! We're just watching from the stands!) Yeah, but we're just psychic projections... That can influence Mr. Wright's decisions!
Judge: I also wonder if someone else not caught on camera could have killed Mr. Hammer. We have to consider that possibility, also.
Edgeworth: Then allow me to remove that doubt from your mind, Your Honor... Will the witness continue her testimony, please?
Oldbag: No need to ask twice!
Witness Testimony
-- Witness's Account, cont. --
Oldbag: The time of poor Hammer's death was 2:30 PM, true?
Oldbag: The only person I saw go to the studio before then was Will Powers!
Oldbag: No one else went there!
Oldbag: If they had, I would have seen them!
Judge: Hmm... So, if no one else went to the studio... The it would have to be this "Steel Samurai" who did it. Mr. Wright, you may cross-examine the witness.
Cross-examination
-- Witness's Account, cont. --
Oldbag: The time of poor Hammer's death was 2:30 PM, true?
Oldbag: The only person I saw go to the studio before then was Will Powers!
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: Are you absolutely sure!?
Oldbag: Oh, quite, quite, sonny. Nobody suspicious lookin' passed by at all.
Phoenix: (Nobody suspicious lookin'...Right.)
At least I didn't have to say that...
Oldbag: No one else went there!
Oh really...?! I have a little something for that... (Hey! It's that same photo from earlier!) Yeah, and I'm going to use it to raise an... "Objection!" (Man, that's just too much fun to say out loud...)
Phoenix: Hold on! Look at this photograph one more time. This photo was taken by the camera at the gate for the studios, correct?
Oldbag: Yesiree, sonny.
Phoenix: So, whenever anyone passes by here, it automatically takes a picture?
Oldbag: And here I thought you didn't know your head from a hole in the ground.
Phoenix: Right... Anyway! It's also true that the computer in the guard station records all security cam data.
Oldbag: Ooh! You know, if you wanted to work at the studio, we might have an opening.
(I wish Shimohi here had an actual job...) True enough...
Phoenix: That very computer printed out this photo. Note that one the back of the photo are printed the words: [Oct 15, 2:00 PM, Photo #2]
Oldbag: Even I know that means it was taken at 2:00 PM on October the 15th! Really, sonny!
I don't think that's what Mr. Wright was trying to point out, though...
Phoenix: Actually, I knew that too. The issue here is the bit at the end where is says: "Photo #2"...
Oldbag: "Photo #2"...?
Phoenix: The computer only held data for one photo on that day. Don't you think that's odd? Shouldn't this photo be "Photo #1" if it really was the ONLY photo!?
Dang it, I'm seeing the word "photo" so often it's starting to not look like a real word anymore... And now the Judge is calling for...
Judge: Order! Order! Please tell the court what you mean by this, Mr. Wright!
Phoenix: Actually, that's what I want to ask the witness. This evidence shows that not one, but two people went to the studio that day. Yet there is only data for one of the photos! Who could have erased the data for the other photo? Only someone with access... the security lady herself!
Oldbag: Eh!? You watch your mouth, whippersnapper! The only person I saw that day was Will Powers!
Phoenix: But the camera on the gate fired twice! That means two people went by!
Oldbag: Umm... well, yes... that's what it would seem to mean...
So, how do you plan to explain THAT ONE!?
Judge: Can the witness explain this to the court?
Oldbag: Umm... ahem. I-I don't understand these new-fangled computer things...
(Bull****!)
Oldbag: Umm... E-Edgey-boy! Help!
I don't think Edgeworth is going to help you there...
Edgeworth: Huh!? B-believe me, I want to, but I don't know what this means either.
(My respect... You've just lost it...)
Oldbag: Humph! Some help you are! You're a whippersnapper too! ... ...Whippersnapper...?
Judge: Something the matter, Ms. Oldbag?
Oldbag: Ah! That's right! I... I just remembered something!
Judge: Let me guess...
Who this other person was...?
Judge: Someone else passed by the gate... someone other than the Steel Samurai?
Oldbag: Er... well, yes, I suppose you could put it that way.
Judge: *sigh* I see. Your testimony, please.
Phoenix: (The path where the monkey's head was fallen over.)
Judge: Order! Order! Please tell the court what you mean by this, Mr. Wright!
Phoenix: Actually, that's what I want to ask the witness. This evidence shows that not one, but two people went to the studio that day. Yet there is only data for one of the photos! Who could have erased the data for the other photo? Only someone with access... the security lady herself!
Oldbag: Eh!? You watch your mouth, whippersnapper! The only person I saw that day was Will Powers!
Phoenix: But the camera on the gate fired twice! That means two people went by!
Oldbag: Umm... well, yes... that's what it would seem to mean...
So, how do you plan to explain THAT ONE!?
Judge: Can the witness explain this to the court?
Oldbag: Umm... ahem. I-I don't understand these new-fangled computer things...
(Bull****!)
Oldbag: Umm... E-Edgey-boy! Help!
I don't think Edgeworth is going to help you there...
Edgeworth: Huh!? B-believe me, I want to, but I don't know what this means either.
(My respect... You've just lost it...)
Oldbag: Humph! Some help you are! You're a whippersnapper too! ... ...Whippersnapper...?
Judge: Something the matter, Ms. Oldbag?
Oldbag: Ah! That's right! I... I just remembered something!
Judge: Let me guess...
Who this other person was...?
Judge: Someone else passed by the gate... someone other than the Steel Samurai?
Oldbag: Er... well, yes, I suppose you could put it that way.
Judge: *sigh* I see. Your testimony, please.
Witness Testimony
--The Other Person--
Oldbag: Every day, after I finish my guard duties, I have one other important job to do.
Oldbag: I go through the photos recorded on the security computer and check them.
Oldbag: I throw out any photos that aren't suspicious lookin', you see.
Oldbag: Come to think of it, now I remember throwing out one photo that day!
Edgeworth: M-Ms. Oldbag! This is the first I've heard of this!
Oldbag: Well, of course, sonny! I've only just remembered it.
Judge: Right... anyway, Mr. Wright, please begin the cross-examination.
Maya: Well, I'd say this was a turn for the unexpected, but I kind of expected this...
As did the rest of us by now.
Judge: Right... anyway, Mr. Wright, please begin the cross-examination.
Maya: Well, I'd say this was a turn for the unexpected, but I kind of expected this...
As did the rest of us by now.
Cross-examination
--The Other Person--
Oldbag: Every day, after I finish my guard duties, I have one other important job to do.
Oldbag: I go through the photos recorded on the security computer and check them.
"Hold it!"
Phoenix: How many photos are there, usually?
Oldbag:
On a day when we're open to the public, we get more than 500 people.
But on filming days or rehearsal days... well, we don't have much money.
We never get more than 50, and that's a big day.
Edgeworth: Do you backup all of the security camera data?
Oldbag: Well, they keep telling me too, yes.
But let me guess, you don't anyway...
Oldbag: But those computers are just so frustrating.
Oldbag: I throw out any photos that aren't suspicious lookin', you see.
Oldbag: Come to think of it, now I remember throwing out one photo that day!
"Hold it!" What was IN that photo?
Phoenix: Well, who in the heck was in that photo you erased!?
Oldbag: Humph. A fanboy.
Phoenix: F-fanboy?
Yeah, you heard her correctly.
Oldbag: Steel Samurai fanboys. Real freaks, if you ask me.
(I hear you.)
Oldbag: They get information about the rehearsals from gosh-knows-where.
Most likely the Internet, it's not just for porn. It's just a large reason why it exists.
Oldbag: They're always hanging about. One was there that day.
Phoenix: "Objection!" W-wait a second! Didn't you just say no one else could get in!? "I locked the main gate so no one could get in"... Those were your words!
Oldbag: Well! If you must know, there's a drain that goes into the Employee Area. The grate has been loose for a while. It leads outside, and well, that's where they come in.
Phoenix: They come in through the drain?
Oldbag: I told you they were freaks.
Well, that's dedication for you. Not that you're any less "freak-ish" by showing up late for work just to watch Jack Hammer work...
Oldbag: Oh, and...
Phoenix: And...?
Oldbag: They're kids. Children. Whippersnappers.
(Looks like you were right about that theory yesterday.)
Phoenix: K-kids!?
It's not that surprising, Phoenix...
Phoenix: So, on the photo that you erased...?
(...was some snot-nosed kid...? That's almost to be expected from these awful youth.)
Oldbag: It was a boy. Probably 2nd or 3rd grade.
Phoenix: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?
Well, that would be about the age range for the target audience for the show itself. Besides, especially for kids at that age, shows with a lot of awesome action like that tend to be really cool! To the point of...
Judge: O-order! Order!
Oops...I was rambling wasn't I...
Judge: Let me get this straight. You saw two people pass by the gate on their way to the studios that day? One was the Steel Samurai, dragging his leg. The other was a boy who looked to be in about 2nd or 3rd grade?
Oldbag: Oh yes, well we see his type there every day. Can't stop 'em. Can't catch 'em.
Edgeworth: A boy in 2nd or 3rd grade? Hmm.. I assume it would be hard, if not impossible for a young boy to wield the Samurai Spear?
Judge: Impossible, I'd think. It's quite heavy.
Oldbag: Right! As I said, I didn't pay him much mind. That's why I erased the data.
Maya: Um, Nick? What's going on? I mean, the boy was there, that makes him a suspect!
Phoenix: Yeah, and they're already trying to "un-suspect" him.
Judge: I'd like to take a five minute recess. I want the defense and the prosecution to consider this new information... And no forgetting vital information this time!
October 18, 11:08 AM
District Court
Defendant Lobby No. 3
Phoenix: Mr. WP?
Will: Y-yes?
Phoenix: Tell me straight: were you really in your dressing room? You didn't go to the studio?
Will: I-I didn't go to the studio! I was s-sleeping, honest.
Maya: So who was the "Steel Samurai" in that security photo?
([sarcasm] I don't know. For all we know, it could've been the victim himself! [/sarcasm])
Will: How should I know? The Steel Samurai costume was off in the corner of the dressing room. Anyone could have walked in and taken it, really.
Maya: What!? You should take better care of that stuff!
Will: I couldn't imagine anyone would want to steal a Steel Samurai costume!
*facepalm* Do you have ANY idea how much hardcore fans would pay for the actual Steel Samurai costume from the show...!?
Will: So... where does this leave me?
Phoenix: It doesn't look good...
Will: *sniff*
Phoenix: You're the only likely suspect, right now.
Maya: Nick!
(Well, it's true.)
Maya: W-what are we going to do!?
Phoenix: First, we play for more time. We'll start targeting someone else that could conceivably have done this!
Maya: Right! And it'll take them so long to shoot us down that we can get another day!
Hopefully Mr. Edgeworths mental sharpshooting skills have a huge penalty today...
Phoenix: Right... but if we pick the wrong person, we might lose on the spot.
Will: You... don't sound very optimistic.
Phoenix: I'm not optimistic at all, actually.
I'd like to think I'm optimistic, heck I try to force myself to think optimistic-ly! But... I naturally tend toward the pessimistic side of thinking...
Maya: Hey, Nick. It's time.
Phoenix: Okay. Let's go. *sigh*
Will: What does that mean... Please don't sigh like that! *sniff*
Back in the courtroom...
Judge: The court will now reconvene for the trial of Mr. Will Powers. Mr. Edgeworth, will you present the prosecution's thoughts on this matter?
Edgeworth: The prosecution's thoughts are simple. Nothing has changed. The other person who went to the studios was a boy of roughly 10 years of age. The photo we do have may not be hard evidence... But there is still no one else that could have committed this crime!
Well, none that we've seen in the current case yet...
Edgeworth: I call for a verdict of "guilty" for the defendant, Mr. Will Powers!
*shakes head* Dude... Justice isn't a game... (Except for here, it is...) I meant in-universe and in our world.
Judge: Hmm... Very well. Mr. Wright, your thoughts?
Phoenix: The defense disagrees with the prosecution's claim. There IS another person who could have committed this crime!
Again, we haven't been introduced to the real culprit, but we have to pick a temporary scapegoat to keep an innocent man from being deservingly punished for another persons crimes...
Judge: Order! Interesting... Let us hear who you have in mind! However... Be aware that this court does not look kindly on accusing the innocent. If you accuse someone who is obviously innocent, you will be penalized.
Phoenix: (Right. Great. As if the stakes weren't high enough.)
Judge: So, who was this person other than Mr. Powers that could have committed murder?
-The assistant girl-
-The grade-school boy-
-The security lady-
(The Old Windbag of course!)
Phoenix: It was the security lady! Wendy Oldbag!
Oldbag: W-who!?
([sarcasm] Did you suddenly turn into an owl? [/sarcasm])
Phoenix: The Steel Samurai is dragging his leg in this picture. That means whoever was in the suit knew about that morning's injury. Maybe because... they had been watching the action scene run-through! There was only one person other than Powers and Hammer who knew about the injury. The security lady, Oldbag!
Oldbag: W-what!? Whippersnapper!
(I
didn't notice it before, but the Old Windbag also has a case of
Youngblood's Disease when stressed... Come to think of it, doesn't
Phoenix himself display symptoms when he's shocked? What!? Is that a
local pandemic in this world!?)
Judge: Order! Order! I-is this true, Oldbag!?
Oldbag: Oldbag!? That's Ms. Oldbag to you!
Phoenix: Ms. Oldbag was standing guard alone at the main gate. She was by herself... in other words, she has no alibi! She could have briefly left her post to steal the the Steel Samurai costume...
(Really!?) Yeah, as hard as it is to believe. Yes, the in-game text really is written like that, despite the additional "the" in the dialogue...
Phoenix: Then slipped into Studio One, the scene of the murder!
(What!? Why would she want to kill her beloved Jack Hammer!?) Mercy kill from an over-entitled fan girl.
Judge: W-why would she go though the trouble of wearing the Steel Samurai costume!?
Phoenix: Simple, Your Honor. She knew the camera at the gate would take her picture. If she was in his costume, she could point the finger at Mr. Powers!
Judge: I see! Excellent deductive reasoning, Mr. Wright.
(More like "Excellent Pulling-BS-out-your-backside"...)
Phoenix: (Ohhh yeah, right here! Sherlock Holmes II, baby!)
That's kind of pushing it, Mr. Wright... (You cannot beat Sherlock Holmes in a deductive reasoning-off. He is simply the best there is.)
Phoenix: ...? (That's odd. Isn't this the part where Edgeworth pounces...?)
This can either be good news or bad news... (I'm voting for bad!)
Phoenix: (Doesn't he usually jump up with an objection and some new damning evidence...?)
(This sounds bad! What if... *gasp*... he DOESN'T have anything!?) Huh... that's good news for our side...
Judge: Well, Mr. Edgeworth? Does the prosecution have an opinion on this matter?
Edgeworth: ...The prosecution has no meaningful objections at this time.
Well, Akurei, turns out you were wrong about that. (Yes! ...Wait?! Did I just cheer for being WRONG!?) Sure sounds like it...
Oldbag: W-w-what!? What's that supposed to mean!? Oh, so you all think I did it? Is that it!?
(No! Shimohi! You've turned into just as bad as a monster as THE MONSTER!!!) Wait, I already explained this... (SHUT UP!!!)
Oldbag: Edgey-boy! Don't just sit there, do something!
Phoenix: (What's my move? Maybe now's my chance to take this the whole way?)
-Press further-
-Give granny a break-
(Of course we're going to press this all the way!)
Phoenix: The very same reasoning that makes Mr. Powers a suspect in this case...can be used to cast doubt on Ms. Oldbag's actions on that day!
Oldbag: B-but why would I do something so horrible to poor Hammer!?
Like I said above, mercy kill from a crazed fan girl...
Phoenix: You forget that Mr. Powers lacks a clear motive, too.
Judge: Hmm... Indeed.
Phoenix: (That did it. Now windbag is one of the suspects. No hard feelings... I hope.)
Oldbag: Wait just a minute! What about the other person who went to the studio!?
Are you talking about the young fan boy? It's already been said that that kid's likely too weak to wield the Samurai Spear... (What!? You're just as bad as those evil lawyers that Akurei makes those awful jokes about!) (Speaking of which, "What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?", the answer is the title of the post. Of course.)
Oldbag: The boy! The one whose photo I erased!
And, as I recall, YOU were the one who threw out that photo because he wasn't "suspicious lookin'"...
Judge: He's only a grade schooler though, as you said. 2nd or 3rd grade, was it?
Oldbag: Th-that doesn't matter! When I was that age, I could pin my old man in 10 seconds, tops!
(Well, that "Eren Yeager" guy killed two slavers when he was that kids age!) ...I'm just surprised that YOU made an anime reference, none the less to Attack on Titan...
Judge: Hmm... Your thoughts, Mr. Wright?
Phoenix: That boy is not the killer.
Oldbag: What!? How can you be so sure!
(Yeah! What she said!)
Oldbag: Oh, or is it be nice to the kids and mean to your elders day? Whippersnapper!
Phoenix: I have proof.
Oldbag: P-proof!?
Judge: Indeed? Then let's see this proof, Mr. Wright. You have proof that shows the boy could not have committed this murder?
(Indeed, this Cardkey is our proof! "Take that!")
Phoenix: The scene of the murder, as we all know, was Studio One. However, you need a cardkey to enter Studio One! How could a boy with no formal relation to the studios have a cardkey!?
Judge: I see! Well, would the witness care to comment on this?
Oldbag: Mrph.
Oh no... I think the old windbag's going to lose it...
Phoenix: (The windbag... speechless. This has got to be a first.)
Judge: Very well! This court will suspend proceedings on the current trial for today. Mr. Edgeworth, please find out more about your witness, Mr. Windy... what was her name?
"Wendy Oldbag", Your Honor, but I do realise that it does sort of sound like it's derived from "Old Windbag"...
Edgeworth: Something "Oldbag," Your Honor.
(Wow, is going senile the new bandwagon now?!)
Judge: Then the prosecution will look further into this Oldbag before we continue! That is all. The court is adjourned!
Oldbag: W-wait a second! I'm not going to just sit here while you run off barking up the wrong tree... me!
I know that's supposed to be some clever word play, but that put a disturbing mental image in my head... (Same here, too bad we can't use the Pansy's Brain Bleach...)
Oldbag: I'm talking!
Maya: Oh, great, stop the presses! The windbag wants to talk!
That statement from Maya most definitely needs sarcasm tags...
Judge: Ms. Oldbag! What is this all about? Have you omitted something from your testimony?
Oldbag: Actually, if you most know, there's something I was told not to talk about.
Phoenix: N-not to talk about!?
Edgeworth: By whom!?
Phoenix: (Huh? You mean it wasn't Edgeworth who told her not to talk...?)
Then again he could be lying...
Judge: W-well, testify!
Witness Testimony
-- My Lips Were Sealed --
Oldbag: Global Studios wanted me to keep quiet about something.
Oldbag: There were... some other people at the studios on the day of the murder.
Oldbag: They said they had "nothing to do with it," see?
Oldbag: So they told me to just pretend they "hadn't been at the studios that day."
Oldbag: But if you're going to go accusing me, I'm not letting them get away scot free!
Judge: M-Ms. Oldbag! This is crucial information! Why did you keep this form the court until now!?
Oldbag: Ain't you been listening? They told me to shut my trap, and I always do what I'm told.
Judge: ...
Phoenix: (No, this isn't a bad dream, Your Honor. Witness the power of the Oldbag...)
(And it's enough to make Shimohi get dizzy and pass out due to information overload...)
Judge: Mr. Wright... Your cross-examination.
Cross-examination
-- My Lips Were Sealed --
Oldbag: Global Studios wanted me to keep quiet about something.
Oldbag: There were... some other people at the studios on the day of the murder.
"Hold it!" Who were these "other people"?!
Phoenix: W-who were these people!?
Phoenix: W-who were these people!?
Oldbag: Well, the director and the producer, for starters...
Phoenix: The... director?
Edgeworth: We should have know something was fishy! How could they have done a run-through of their action scene without a director? Of course!
Oldbag: Yes, well, I was surprised no one asked about it.
Yes... Well... That's what we get for assuming and not thinking about these things.
Phoenix: So, where were these people?
Oldbag: The director was in the Employee Area all morning for the run-through. He joined the producer around lunchtime and they had a meeting after that.
Edgeworth: Where!
Oldbag: Oh, in the Studio Two trailer.
(So NOW finally someone mentions Studio Two!) Oh and... "Just as planned..." (Huh!? What are you monsters talking about!?)
Phoenix: S-Studio Two...!? (There was a Studio Two...?)
Well, at least I paid attention to that at least...
Oldbag: Well, if you look at the guidemap... Here it is.
Located south of the gate, about in the lower-center of the map...
Oldbag: You go through the gate and all the way to the left.
Phoenix: (The path where the monkey's head was fallen over.)
Judge: Well, Mr. Wright... Would you like to continue the cross-examination...?
Phoenix: (I think I've already asked all my questions, but...)
-Continue cross-examination-
-Take a break-
(Naw, let's get to the end of this post already!)
Phoenix: Your Honor. We have learned there were others at Global Studios on the day in question.
(A loony fan boy...) The director... (And the Producer!)
Phoenix: The director and the producer and, er, some bigwigs, were all present. Yet, as we stand here, they have not been questioned! I hold that it is impossible to declare a verdict on the defendant, Mr. Powers!
Judge: Hmm... The court acknowledges the defense's point. The prosecution will gather more information about the witness, Ms. Oldbag... and more information about these other people we have just been told of!
Edgeworth: ...I understand, Your Honor.
Judge: This ends the day's proceedings in the trial of Mr. Will Powers. That is all. The court is adjourned!
October 18, 1:04 PM
District Court
Defendant Lobby No. 3
Will: Th-thank you so much, Mr. Wright. I was right to ask you to defend me.
Maya: Aww, really, it's nothing. *grin* Oh, or should I *sniff*
Phoenix: We'll be going down to the studios to do some more investigation. We have to find out more about this director and producer.
(Speaking of whom, in the director's case anyway, we're going to need a translator...) (Huh?) I'll handle the translation work... You'll see...
Phoenix: They'll be turning up in the next trial as witnesses for certain. So now's my chance to get material for the cross-examination!
Maya: So, Nick... Have we figured out just who it was in that Steel Samurai costume? Could it really have been old windbag?
(Oh no... now the canon characters have picked up on your nasty nickname!) Nah, it was just sitting there, waiting for others to pick up. Our setting it up or not...
Phoenix: What do you think, Mr. Powers?
Will: I don't think it was her, really.
Maya: Neither do I, Nick.
And I'm sure that, annoying tendency for her rants to make me faint from dizziness aside, she's not the one who killed Jack Hammer. (Wha... But... But...) (Pansy, if you'd look up, you'd notice that Shimohi acknowedged earlier that a temporary scapegoat would be needed... And that's to move the case forward.) If we didn't temporary put Wendy's head on the proverbial chopping block, she wouldn't have had any incentive to reveal the presence of the director and the producer... One of whom IS the real murderer!
Phoenix: Y-yeah, I know! Look, I was just buying time back there. Someone had to be the bad guy for a bit to take the pressure off Mr. Powers.
Maya: Poor old windbag... I feel kinda sorry for her.
(Then, for starters, stop calling her an "old windbag"!) Well, if the shoe fits...
Phoenix: Well, she wasn't winning any points in there, with or without my accusation. Okay, let's get down to the studios.
Maya: Right! We'll be back to visit you soon...
Will: Th-thanks. Thanks, guys. *sniff*
To be continued.
--------------------------
Next time, the second investigation phase of the "Turnabout Samurai" case! (Shimohi acts as a translator...) (And I encounter another crazed weirdo.) See you then!
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